Sharing the struggle

As I was driving home from class tonight, I took a little time to reflect on the past few months and the struggles I've been dealing with. I mentioned in my last blog that some people probably wouldn't like that I was open with my struggle with depression, but honestly, the sentiment above is what I've chosen to follow.

I went to a meeting in Ferndale today with some colleagues, and if they didn't know before that I'm a smart ass, they know now. But anyway, I was sharing a little of what I've been dealing with, and in the conversation, we started talking about the stigma mental illness brings and how when you hear about it in the news, it's attached to violent acts or something to laugh at. It was brought up that one of my colleagues hadn't even noticed any changes. That's not the first time that has happened.

I still have the ability to function. The problem is that sometimes, it's only because I spend an hour talking myself into doing something. Sometimes, it's because my brain just doesn't believe I can do it. Sometimes, it's because I don't know what I can even contribute to the world. But I try to pull it together and get at least something done each day. 

It's not the way I like doing things. One colleague today was talking about everything that her high school daughter is involved in. And another made a statement about how she sounded like "that one" while pointing at me. Those of you who know me understand that I tend to do a lot with my time. So you can imagine that when my drive to do things isn't there, I end up beating myself up because I'm not being as productive as I believe I should.

I share what I'm going through to show others that it can happen to anyone. The stigma drives me nuts. Our society treats mental illness so differently than things like cancer or chronic disease. It shouldn't be that way. I share my experience so others know they are not alone. I share it because it's me. I'm tired of hearing that we all need to be happy and positive all of the time. Yes, there are people that are just cranky. But depression and mental illness are real. It's not something one can just snap out of. 

It's the struggle I've dealt with for a number of years. It's my struggle. Some days are better than others. Some weeks are better than others. Some years are better than others. The struggle has been triggered by multiple things - unemployment, stress, money and social shunning have all been culprits. But it ebbs and flows. When it happens, I just hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I know the tunnel is always around.