Quotes and how to change

In the past couple weeks, I've actively been seeking out quotes/lyrics to help me try to change how I see the world and how I see myself. I know full well that I see myself in a more negative light than other people do, and I always worry about what other people think of me. It's not necessarily something I'm proud of, but it is something I grew up doing because I felt like I had to meet expectations that I couldn't.

Anyway, back to the quotes. I've been posting quotes/lyrics as my Facebook status recently, mostly to remind myself of things that I can do and how I shouldn't be defeatist. It's not easy for me, believe me. I've spent much of my life fighting depression, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. It's something that's been taboo in our society for so long, and no one should have to feel like they have to hide it.

That brings me to today. For the past week and a half, I've been dealing with lots of issues going on. My brain has been going non-stop. I had to come back to work late tonight, and I refused to go home for fear of not leaving the house again. One of my coping mechanisms is sleep. I sleep a lot when I'm having a hard time.

So, I spent some time in Barnes & Noble tonight. This was good - I haven't spent time just browsing in a bookstore in a long time. There are always lots of things I want, but I ended up buying a magnet with this quote on it:

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." - Reinhold Niebuhr

This is really relevant at this point in my life. I feel like I've come a long way from the person I used to be in high school, in college, and even post college. Even as we grow older and become "adults" - there are so many things we can work on to become better people. No one is perfect - a friend of mine even wrote about that on his blog recently.

The power of words is amazing. Those of you who know me know that I read a lot. I'm not a very good writer at all, but I can appreciate the writing of others. Over the last couple of weeks, I've drawn strength from the quotes that I've sought out. They, along with some people reminding me of the good, have helped me determine that I need change my mindset.

Here's a listing of some of the quotes/lyrics that I've posted on my Facebook page.

"You know that I could use somebody, someone like you and all you know and how you see." - Kings of Leon

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." - e.e. cummings

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew." - Saint Frances de Sales

"Only thing to do is jump over the moon!" - Maureen, Rent

"Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other." - John F. Kennedy

"Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude." - Thomas Jefferson

"You must do the things you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail." - Confucius

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." - Hermann Hesse

"Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

Blindsided

I have to admit today, I'm recovering from a huge case of being blindsided. You know that thing that no one told you about, but decided to throw out there after a long period of time and make you feel horrible about? Yup, that's the feeling.

I've felt a bit like an outsider for awhile, and this just made me feel more like one. I can't quite understand how if something was wrong a year ago, why did no one tell me? Why wasn't it addressed earlier so I could actually do something to fix it? Why do I feel like the person who told me just threw it in my face?

This week I'm just feeling disappointed in people who claim that I'm immature, but then do things to show their own immaturity. The people that tell me a year after the fact something was wrong, the people that pull something that is reminiscent of high school, the people that can't seem to tell me to my face that something is wrong. It's really disappointing when you've looked up to these people for a long time.

If you call...

I will answer...

I love this Barenaked Ladies song - "Call and Answer". I've been using my iPod as my crutch this week to help me get through some thoughts of mine. I actually came across this one after not having heard it for awhile. I used to listen to it in college a lot. It's funny how songs on my iPod can elicit memories regarding other times in my life.

I love music. It's helped me get through hard times in life. It's helped me get to a point where I can think clearly again. Many of the songs on my playlist are from years ago, but I still have an emotional attachment to them. There are also new songs that I've been able to mix into the playlist.

Some of this week's playlist, including new and old:

"Call and Answer" by Barenaked Ladies
"At the Stars" by Better than Ezra
"Heartbreak Warfare" by John Mayer
"Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum
"Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper (though I love the acoustic version with her and Sarah McLachlan
"Wait" by Sarah McLachlan
"Napoleon" by Ani DiFranco
"Why" by Annie Lennox
"I Stand" by Idina Menzel
"Living Inside me Heart" by Bob Seger
"Crazy" and "Sometimes" by Nine Days

Thoughts, lack of sleep and headaches, oh my!

You ever wish you could take something back? That's how I feel this week. Funny thing is, it's not something I could take back, since I didn't do it. I just have to deal with the aftermath.

There's a point you get to where you realize the people you thought your friends were aren't those people at all. You get to questioning whether you want anything to do with those people anymore. It's not an easy discussion to have with yourself, trust me.

In the end, I'm a fairly forgiving person and while I'm hurt, I will probably bounce back from it and worry more about the friends that did wrong instead of worrying about myself.

It's funny - I'm actually in an ok mood today. And I know I'll be ok. And I know I'll be stronger for it in the end.