Simple gestures

Looking at this blog, I haven't written in almost a year and a half. That's fairly coincidental, since today's events have lead me and Dakota (my dog) to a familiar place: the vet. You see, around that time, she had to have surgery on her left doggie ACL, and had a few weeks recovery time. Today, she was 1 1/2 hours away from me when I got a call that would get me to pick up and race to get her for a late afternoon vet appointment - she tried to chase a school bus outside, yelped, and stopped putting weight on her right hind leg.

From the description, it sounded like what happened in May 2014. So, I raced to my parents' house, picked her up and brought her back to Lansing. We got back a little early, so we stopped home. Then we went to the vet.

Sometimes, we don't plan to be in a particular place. I certainly didn't wake up this morning and think I would be at the vet this afternoon because, well, I wasn't picking my dog up until this evening. But here I was, with my almost 11 year old, grey snouted mutt who was laying on the floor near my feet and in pain.

Another dog, who was larger, and his owner were also in the waiting room. The dog was a stately old gentlemen who moved gingerly and slowly. He was grey around the muzzle like Dakota. Overhearing the tech and owner, the dog was in for blood work to check red and white cells. He'd been doing this every two weeks.

The tech took the dog back to get the blood taken, and when he brought him back to the waiting room. His owner told me his dog was 12 years old and had been sleeping a lot lately. As his owner tried to leave, the dog walked right over to Dakota and started to sniff her. She also sniffed him. There was no growling.

It was peaceful. Then, the dog licked the side of her face, as though he knew that she was also in pain. And she let him. She had no issues with him, but they started to head out. They would get their results tomorrow. For some reason, my eyes had teared up. And then we were waiting again.

I'll admit - I panicked a little this morning. Though I sort of thought it might be a ligament issue similar to the one she had before, as she's been getting older, I worry that something is going to be bigger than that. But we have't gotten there yet.

And while the vet office waiting room wasn't where I expected to be this afternoon, the simple gesture of one dog meeting and greeting, and perhaps comforting another dog was perhaps the most important thing that happened to me today.

Things I've learned while unemployed...

It's funny - I thought about writing this blog post earlier today, but time didn't allow me too. Though, it seems quite appropriate to write after today's events.

Without further ado - things I've learned while unemployed:

- The mounds of stuff in my apartment doesn't decrease, no matter how much stuff I throw out!

- Somehow, no matter what, parents are always there for you.

- Sometimes, crappy stuff happens, but it could have been worse.

- It's not easy to be without your car.

- I need a routine!

- You have to trust the right thing is happening, regardless of how horrible it feels.

- Sometimes, the people you think will be there won't; sometimes help comes from unexpected places.

- I love my dog more than she can comprehend. She's a good listener.

- It's still my duty to help my community no matter what is going on with me.

It all may not be much, but it's something. There's a lot of things to learn from experiences in life, and I'm at least trying to make lemonade out of lemons.

This is me - take it or leave it

This is me. Today, my friend Lauren took some photos of me at the Capitol, because I need a high quality headshot.

Today, I'm 5'6" and 170 lbs. Yup, I just divulged that information. Oh no!

I was inspired this week by a few amazing women who have decided to change their lives, give out some information and be comfortable with themselves.

In the past 6 months, I've been on a journey and I have no idea where it's taking me at this point. I'm honestly just along for the ride and dealing with things as they come. I started out this year after battling pneumonia in November and December. I was really good and ate well, exercised regularly. Since the beginning of March, I've slacked off just a bit and I've decided I need to get back to the plan I set in motion for 2011.

I've learned recently that I need to take more time for myself and I'm learning to balance things in my life much better. I'm looking forward to embracing who I am and enjoying life.

Yes, I'm new to some things. Yes, I will typically tell you what I'm thinking. Yes, I'm learning. That's who I am. This photo is who I am.

If you call...

I will answer...

I love this Barenaked Ladies song - "Call and Answer". I've been using my iPod as my crutch this week to help me get through some thoughts of mine. I actually came across this one after not having heard it for awhile. I used to listen to it in college a lot. It's funny how songs on my iPod can elicit memories regarding other times in my life.

I love music. It's helped me get through hard times in life. It's helped me get to a point where I can think clearly again. Many of the songs on my playlist are from years ago, but I still have an emotional attachment to them. There are also new songs that I've been able to mix into the playlist.

Some of this week's playlist, including new and old:

"Call and Answer" by Barenaked Ladies
"At the Stars" by Better than Ezra
"Heartbreak Warfare" by John Mayer
"Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum
"Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper (though I love the acoustic version with her and Sarah McLachlan
"Wait" by Sarah McLachlan
"Napoleon" by Ani DiFranco
"Why" by Annie Lennox
"I Stand" by Idina Menzel
"Living Inside me Heart" by Bob Seger
"Crazy" and "Sometimes" by Nine Days

Just can't shake it...yet.

Last week was rough. Today I feel like I'm recovering - not quite normal yet, but not in the fog that I was in. And, I'm sure that will change over the next few days.

I'm glad that somehow, everything was turned in for Jaycees. I'm happy to be able to focus on 2009 now. I'm also happy to report that I think my cold is finally going away.

I can only predict that the rest of this week will get busy at work. My evenings are pretty much free except for 2 this week, and that's not too bad...maybe I'll actually finish my book club selection this week before we meet!

I keep trying to write...

The last couple of nights, I've tried to write an entry. I felt like I had something to say, but once I pulled up the blank form, I just wasn't sure what to write about!

I've had so much that I've been thinking about, that if I were to write it all down, and all of the thoughts I've had, it'd take up way too much room. In a summary, we went back to session at work this week and boy was it difficult to get back into the swing of things. After not having the normal routine going most of the summer, it's taking awhile to get back to the grind.

In the process, I was reminded on Monday that I have to decide what to do about my current apartment by the 15th. Whoops - guess it slipped my mind. I have a few options, and most likely I'll be staying here, it is just a matter of how long I keep my lease for.

I've also been very busy with the Lansing Jaycees. After some down time in the summer, we're starting to get back into the fall projects, and elections are in November. We're also trying to come up with some PR ideas and some plans to get the organization out there. My brain has been stuck on this for a couple of weeks now - unfortunately, with everything else going on, I've been feeling a little overwhelmed with everything.

I keep telling myself I'll make it...

Who needs air conditioning?

This past Saturday, I was at Kohl's on the west side of Lansing, when I went back to my car and tried to move it. What made this difficult was the fact that I couldn't turn the wheel...no power steering!!! Well, that and the fact that I'm a weakling, but that's neither here nor there.

So, luckily, my friend Mike was around, and he's good with cars. We learned that the serpentine belt broke (boo), and that was a problem. So, trying to figure out what to do, we ended up deciding to take the car to Sears to get it replaced. After attempting to drive it there, and it overheating, we decided to use AAA to get it towed. After finally getting it to Sears, they replaced the belt, told me my AC compressor was bad, and sent me on my merry way.

Since then, I've driven back and forth to Muskegon, and back and forth to work. As I turned on my car last night to go to dinner, it started smoking and the power steering went out again. Sigh. Really? How did this happen, you say?

After getting it towed to the auto repair shop (yup, forget Sears), and then getting dropped off at work, I have learned that the AC compressor is the reason the belt keeps breaking. Somehow, I wish the guy at Sears would have mentioned that part. I feel as though it was a vital piece of information he failed to tell me. So, my poor Ford Taurus will be going without air conditioning the rest of the summer, but that's ok, because it costs way too much to get the AC fixed.

All shall be well tomorrow morning, when I'm scheduled to get my car back. Well, almost all will be well, except my bank account...

Life hiatus or I don't think one Hot Pocket is enough for dinner

While I'm digesting my Hot Pocket, I figured I'd write a blog. I'm still determining whether I should have more food for dinner.

During the last week of June, I kept telling my co-workers that my goal was to take most of July off. I think I'm doing well with that. The first week, I worked two days. This week, I worked three days. Next week, I'll be in for four days. Prior to that, it had been quite a long time since I took more than one day off.

In the meantime, I've been really lazy about doing any scrapbooking or jewelry stuff. No more! I fixed a necklace last night, and made a pair of earrings to go with it. Tonight I hope to get around to some scrapbooking. It's also been awhile since I've been to a yoga class, so I'm looking forward to tomorrow night. I attempted to do a short practice the other night, but I like class.

On the other hand, I've been doing fairly well in watching movies and reading. Which means if I've been doing well at watching movies, I've usually been riding the exercise bike (yay!).

I'm almost thinking to do everything I want to do, I might have to start scheduling myself for some things. I already schedule my yoga class, but unfortunately, life got in the way that last week of June. But I hate to be stuck to doing something...sigh, what a dilemma!

In the meantime, I'm going to have another Hot Pocket, get on the bike and watch "So You Think You Can Dance!"

Things that make you go "hmmm"

Normally, news doesn't really rattle me all that much. Then, this story came out today. My heart goes out to the VanderStelt family. Troy and his brother Trent went to my high school, but I didn't know them.

Later in the afternoon, I started thinking about people that act on their rage in unhealthy ways. I realized that every day, me and my co-workers deal with these types of people, and it sort of freaked me out. You never really think that anything like this would happen at work, but how in the world can you prevent it?

Life is a mystery...

As most of you probably know, I meant to do the Read-a-Thon today. However, my day has been messed up just a little. I planned on driving back to Muskegon last night, then spending all day reading today. Here's what really happened:

I was at work until after 1:30am last night. Then I dropped a co-worker off to get his car that had just gotten fixed. So, I made it home a little after 2am. I got the dog out, and stayed up with her until about 3am. Not having slept well the night before, and having been at work until 10:15pm, I was tuckered out.

I finally crawled out of bed today around 1pm. Took a shower, packed up, and drove to the library, picked up some stuff, and drove back to Muskegon. Now I'm here and ready to go back to bed, but I think I'm going to continue with The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. I brought tons of books with me, but I just might have to make tomorrow my full day of reading.

Pop Culture, Books, and Productivity

While recovering from whatever I have that's making me croak more than speak, I'm currently watching AFI's Top 10 Films in 10 Genres. So far, I've seen all of the Animated films, but there are quite a few of the fantasy ones I haven't seen, including "Field of Dreams". I know, I know, it's in my pile of movies to see. Sometimes I feel like I missed out on so many movies in my early years, that I will just never be able to watch everything that I would like to.

But of course, that's the same with books for me - my to read list is so long, it's ridiculous. I have read 20 books since the beginning of the year, but is that enough? Heck no. I've got 4 going right now, and three of them are on my list of 50 books I made at the beginning of the year. Luckily, there's a neverending flow of books coming in front of me...

And, I'm pretty sure I'm feeling this way because I'm sick, but I'm not feeling very productive lately. It's rare that I go home from work, and I did that today. But, the nap that I took this afternoon really helped, I think. It was getting hard for me to stay awake - it felt like I had taken meds, but I hadn't taken anything! Hopefully, I'll sleep much better tonight, and will be better tomorrow.


Currently Listening: To anything by Prince!

Not to sound cliche...

Something I've learned in the past week or so - and I know it sounds cliche, but here goes...

"You get out of it what you put into it."

I've decided that I want to have good experiences - in life, at work, at home. Life is too short to bitch and moan and whine. Everyone has complaints, but it's how you handle them that matters. Make a constructive comment, then move on to how to make it better. I know that I have trouble doing this sometimes, but I'm going to try, darn it.

Another new goal of mine is to get to know as many people as I can. There are so many interesting people out there, I think it's worth my time to get to know some of them.

And now it's time to continue the week by crossing more things off my to do list. Wish me luck.


Currently Reading: Then We Came to the End by Joshua Ferris

I'm shocked...

Just so y'all know, I don't cook. Never have, not very good at it. My mom always cooked - she was a stay at home mom. So, I never had to.


So what the heck got into me when I got home from work? I mean, I had taken out pork tenderloin in the hopes that I would cook it - and I did. I marinated it, got frozen veggies out, cut up the meat, and voila! It was a tasty goodness kind of stir fry...it seems so simple, yet, it's certainly not my strong suit. I might be able to get used to this cooking thing...though I probably shouldn't!


In other life shattering news, I've been a hermit lately, and either watching movies or, in most cases, doing a lot of reading. I spent most of yesterday reading. I know it's not what most people would do, but it helps me relax. Though, I never feel like I have enough time in the day to do everything I'd like to.




Currently Reading: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

Hakuna Matata

This is the first day in awhile where I've gotten home and don't feel like I'm going to pass out from a headache. I have big plans for my evening, including reading more in my book, getting out my scrapbooking stuff, and maybe watching a movie! We'll see how much I actually do!

I decided the other day that I'm actually going to vote in the primary. I wasn't sure what I was going to do - John Edwards isn't on the ballot here in Michigan, so my candidate won't be an option to vote for. There have been all sorts of options floating around for those of us who support candidates that aren't on the ballot. I'm still torn about the whole situation, but I will be voting. I understand there should be a new plan for primaries, but it's hard to justify losing delegates.

Currently Listening: Chase This Light by Jimmy Eat World

Perpetually confused...

You ever just feel confused? That's how I've been feeling lately. I'm not quite sure how to be less confused right now. Nothing is ever easy, is it?

Don't get me wrong - I'm in a pretty good mood, just feel a little off kilter and unsure!

"You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair."

If you saw me right now, you wouldn't know that I'm super excited that tomorrow is Thursday. I have Friday off from work this week. But, I'm starting to feel like I'm getting sick. I am hoping I can stop it by sleeping and drinking fluids. Luckily, I've been getting some rest, as I've been able to leave work early this week.

The next few days are going to be pretty busy. I've been baking cookies a lot, but no more for this week, unless I do them in Muskegon on Friday. I have to do a ton of laundry all day Friday, and while that's in, I'm hoping to watch a movie or two. Maybe do a little baking. We'll see though. I have to head back to Muskegon tomorrow night, which means I have to pack, get the dog ready for the trip, get gas, etc. Then I have to get out of here, spend all day Friday in Muskegon, go to Eric's holiday work party, then drive back to Lansing on Saturday morning.

I will be attending my first ever MSU basketball game at Breslin Center on Saturday. It should be fun. I've been to the UM/MSU game before at Crisler, but I have never been to Breslin, and I'm curious to see it. It should be fun. There will be sushi beforehand, so that makes me happy!

I have a quick gripe, and it's something that I've always kind of dealt with. Clearly, I'm a female. All my life, I've been better friends with guys. I don't know why, I think I just get along better with guys. I'm kind of a tomboy, so maybe that's what makes it easier. Anyway, why can't I just be friends with guys? Is there a reason that whenever a girl and a guy are friends, everyone else thinks there's something going on? I know most of the time, people just joke about it, but after awhile, it just starts to get on my nerves. I'm not sure if anyone else ever has this problem, or if it's just me. Ha.

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need..."

This has been a crappy week, period. I don't necessarily think that I can pinpoint why, except there were a lot of things that just didn't go how I would have liked. It's really strange how that happens.

Don't get me wrong. There have been a few good things that came out of this week - some good friends, my dog being here, and some cookies. But, for the most part, I've just been moping around and kind of a basketcase. It's been making it difficult for me to focus on anything for a long period of time, or even start, for that matter - whether it's reading my book, catching up on magazines, watching a movie, scrapbooking, jewelry making.

Plus, it's always hard to go back to work after being off for a week or so. It's hard to transition back into being productive, and I haven't done a very good job of that.

I've noticed in the last few months, that I am definitely not as ordered and organized as I used to be. In a way, I think that's a good thing, because I used to be really uptight. On the other hand, I feel like I've lost control of my life. It's hard to describe, but I feel like I used to have a better handle on things when I was making lists, had everything in order, etc. Now I just feel like my whole life is a mess - just check out my desk at work, or my apartment. That's not to say I've ever been the tidiest person ever - there's always been a method to my madness. However, I feel like I have lots more stuff lying around than I used to.

For those of you who know me now, and are thinking that I'm still uptight, take things too seriously or personally, or too organized, well, a few years back, I was a lot worse than I am now. I still do worry about a lot of things, have my own issues with myself, but it used to be much worse. I'm a lot more laid back now, but in a way, it's leaving me feeling really unorganized and not in control.

And, while I am reflecting, I've been thinking a lot lately about my personal issues. I've ALWAYS had issues with myself - I've either been a little chunky (middle school), been picked on about my last name (elementary school), been picked on for being smart (um, all through school), glasses (middle and high school), and had some guys in my life that have really made me think that I wasn't worth much. It's only recently that I'm realizing that a lot of those things have shaped who I am now. For the most part, I'm ok with being me. Though, sometimes there are things that I just wish I didn't feel compelled to do (such as trying to get attention, berate myself, etc.) You know how they say that you need to say 7 nice things to someone to cancel out 1 bad thing? I feel like I'm still trying to make up for all the bad things that I've heard said to me. Those seem to be the things that have stuck with me.

For example, two things I can think of - one is from high school, the other from college. The high school story is quite long, so I won't share it here, but the one from college that sticks with me is this one guy that I dated for awhile. I met him through a friend one night, and we dated for a few months. I can't even really remember how long it was at this point, but the one thing I remember for sure is the time he told me there was one thing he would change about me. My teeth. They weren't straight enough for him. Now, I know they're not completely straight, but I had never really thought about that before. But, since then, there are sometimes when I just look in the mirror and think about how I have crooked teeth. I think many of the incidents like this one are a big part of the reason that I have a hard time believing in myself, even though it's not anything that has happened recently. I wish I could forget them, but somehow, they've just seared into my mind.

So, I know I can be difficult, not sure of myself, self-deprecating, demanding, and a whole host of other things, but there are some reasons behind all that. Maybe not good reasons, but they are reasons.

Well, that turned into more rambling that I had originally intended on, but I certainly felt the need to vent a bit.

"I've just recently decided that the things we know aren't black and white."

The title of this blog is from the movie "Elizabethtown". Remembering it makes me want to watch the movie again, so maybe I'll do that this weekend.

Days like today make me feel like a total failure. I woke up late, have had a headache most of the day, and just downright didn't feel very well. I stuck it out at work for the rest of the day, but didn't feel productive at all. Then, of course, my night isn't very exciting. Me, food, TV, and my book. Woo hoo.

Lately, I've been starting to feel run down and unfocused. I can't quite figure out how to get myself to start doing anything again other than sleep. I want to scrapbook, make jewelry, read, but I just don't when I get home. I have been watching some movies, so I suppose that's a start. For awhile there, I was just hanging out and listening to my iPod.

I will also finally be getting my hair cut this weekend. It's been awhile, mostly because I'm lazy and couldn't afford to go. Haha. I'm really excited, because I think it will help.

Anyway, I'm sorry to anyone that I've come across and just been about as fun as a wet rag. I'm trying to snap out of my funk, but I probably haven't been all that fun to be around! Sigh.

It's Not Unusual...

Last night I went to Hobby Lobby in order to scope out scrapbooking stuff for an album I’m going to make for Eric. He has a bunch of stuff from when he golfed in college – pictures, stats, newspaper clippings, etc. Anyway, they don’t make a lot of golf stuff, let me tell you. Then I was looking at all of the things they do have, and started wishing that I had taken more pictures of things when I was younger. I have vowed to be that parent that takes pictures ALL THE TIME. :-)

Then, this morning I started thinking about how much I’ve changed lately. Since when have I ever been crafty? Is this something that’s always been there, but I just never felt like dealing with it? I suspect not, but who knows. Maybe it’s just me getting old. I mean, I know I’ve become a very boring person (not that I was super exciting in the first place). I think that recently, I’ve just accepted that I’m a nerd, and I love it.

I don’t know – as we get older, things change. Our interests change, our friends and the kind of friends we have change. I mean, it’s not that I’m old yet, but things are just different. I know more people that are getting married or pregnant, you don’t hang out with people as much anymore. I have more people that I hang out with on a regular basis through work or something like the Jaycees. I still have my friends from high school that I keep in touch with, there are friends from college that have either drifted away or I’ve gotten back in touch with. At different ages, I think we expect different things from our friends. I know when I was younger, I had the same friends and hung out with them all the time. It’s very similar today, but it feels like there are fewer of those people. Then, there are your peripheral friends – people you keep in touch with, but don’t know the things that are going on daily in their lives. I think the internet has made it much easier to keep in touch with these friends – people you care about, but that are further away or super busy. And it’s ok to have those types of friends. Also, just because there are friends that drift away doesn’t mean we still don’t care for those people.

And with those thoughts, it’s time to go off to bed…