Baby pachyderms!

Yeah, I really couldn't think of another title for this blog other than a reference from the movie "The Love Guru". This isn't the first time I've used a refereance from a movie - and I think most of the hits my blog gets are from my post called "You're like a miniature Buddha covered in hair."

At this point, I've sent out 11 thank you/encouragement notes, and I have a few more to do. I'm even going to have to buy more stamps soon - and more cards!!!

But that brings me to something that happened today. I got a message that a comment was made to another person about how I've matured over the last few years. Most people would probably be flattered by this - I know I have and I've learned a lot along the way. But of course, my first thought was "are you trying to say that I was immature and didn't know anything a few years ago?" And while I'm working on changing my thought processes, and many of them have been better recently, I still had that nagging in the back of my mind. I know that I don't take criticism or compliments in the best way. Sometimes, I just don't know what to say or how to take it. I've always read into things. Trying to break that habit is NOT easy.

I guess in someways, I don't know why it made me emotional, but I'm trying to take it at face value and not read into it...easier said than done...lol.

I actually have been feeling like I'm in a good place right now. It's definitely not where I want to end up in life overall (yes, I would like a job, please), but I feel like I'm making some sort of progress. I don't know where I'll end up, but I'm not particularly concerned with that right now, as long as I'm happy with what I'm doing.

Astounded...

Eric wanted pizza for dinner last night - which now also reminds me that I have to blog on a recent visit to Mia & Grace...hm, that will be my next entry.

Anyway, we went to DeLuca's here in Lansing. I've heard from many people they have great pizza, so we decided to try it (I've been there once before, and had spaghetti - way too much food for one serving!!!)

The pizza was fantastic - it was busy last night, but it wasn't too long of a wait, and we weren't in a hurry. However, I don't have much more to say about the food.

There was a family sitting near us - it looked like a 11 or 12 year old boy, a 5 or 6 year old girl, mom, dad, and maybe grandma? Anyway, at one point, I happened to look over at the boy, whose dad was coming back to the table, and the boy starts whispering to dad from across the table "Dad, there's gay people over there!" Of course, Dad couldn't hear his son, so he said "talk louder, I can't hear you." To which the son replied "no, but there's gay people over there" in his loud whisper.

I'm going to guess the boy was talking about a table where there were two men, drinking red wine - oh no!!!! My first thought was "I cannot believe this kid is saying what he is!" My second thought was "Why is his mother sitting there just letting him say this?" (she was right next to the boy)...my third thought was "Um, I know you're 11 and all, but how in the world do you KNOW they are gay?"

In addition to being shocked, it just made me think about how people jump to conclusions based on what they think they see - I'm guilty of it too. I think we're all guilty of it at some point. And, I know kids say things, but shouldn't the parents be there to tell them "that's not appropriate?" Sigh, maybe I'm wrong...

Fighting with myself...

Recently, I've been having an argument with myself about how to look at things. I tend to be a critical person, and can border on negative at times. However, one thing that I try to do with everything is look at it from different angles. I recently just had an exchange with a friend of mine about this. I was told "ah, grasshopper, it's all about mindset."

I've also had a recent yoga practice where we talked about looking at things from a different prespective. Many of the poses we did were variations of the traditional poses. The whole idea was to be able to frame things in a different way.

Unfortunately, I still catch myself thinking negatively. I think it's just what I've always done and am used to. But, I will definitely be working on changing that the rest of this year, and in 2009.

I'm supposed to be thankful for something, right?

As Thanksgiving Day is winding down for everyone, I'm sitting here thinking about what I should be thankful for. It's not necessarily the usual "family" answer. My definition of family is much more broad than most definitions. First, there are my parents, but that just always seems to be a rocky relationship and most times, I think it's better for my mental health to just leave it be.

Then there's what I consider my "immediate family" - Eric and Dakota. Yes, I'm including my dog (who right now is laying on the couch, drooling on it). Eric and I are going to have our 6 year anniversary in January, and some times it seems like we've been together forever, and some times it's like it was just yesterday. I'm also thankful that we all have roofs over our heads and food to eat.

I'm also thankful that I've gotten through the last few months. It feels like they just went by so fast, and I almost feel like I missed a lot. Things have been a blur, I did some stupid things, and I'm just still feeling behind with a bunch of things that I should do. I'm thankful for many friends that have been around, listened to me talk (sometimes about certain things, sometimes about random things), and just have been around to hang out. It makes Lansing not feel as lonely as it once did for me.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Before we know it, it'll be 2009!

Things that make you go "hmmm"

Normally, news doesn't really rattle me all that much. Then, this story came out today. My heart goes out to the VanderStelt family. Troy and his brother Trent went to my high school, but I didn't know them.

Later in the afternoon, I started thinking about people that act on their rage in unhealthy ways. I realized that every day, me and my co-workers deal with these types of people, and it sort of freaked me out. You never really think that anything like this would happen at work, but how in the world can you prevent it?

Reconciling...

I'm having a hard time lately reconciling my desire to do lots of different things with the fact that I can't plan everything. I have a lot of ideas of things to do lately, but I just have to recognize my limits in time. But then, I feel like I'm surrounded by people who aren't stepping up and doing what I think they're supposed to be. Then, of course, I run the risk of looking like the overachiever...

Then again, here I am writing on my blog when I should be packing!!! I am not looking forward to filling up my gas tank in the morning either - I'm scared to see how much I have to spend! Contrary to popular belief, state workers pay the same amount for gas as everyone else...

Oh, how I'm looking forward to the weekend and sleeping.

Currently watching: The Office Season Finale

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished...

I had a feeling over the weekend that this week might not be so great. So far, I'm stressed, tired, and have a cold that's just taken over my head. All of that on top of fitting five days worth of work into four (well, it's probably more like six days worth).

I read this article earlier this week in the New York Times.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/14/books/14dumb.html?em&ex=1203656400&en=1788b6496c6c468b&ei=5087%0A

I'm still dumbfounded at how American culture rewards good looks, money and fame as "success". Now, I'm no Bill Gates or rocket scientist, but I like to think that I'm fairly knowledgeable about the world.

The other part of me thinks that these people who are "dumb", like Kellie Pickler or that Jessica Simpson, might be acting dumb in order to get attention. I mean, would they get nearly as much attention speaking intelligently about the presidential election as they would be saying "Is Chicken of the Sea tuna or chicken?"

I'm starting to think there's an endless cycle to this - kids grow up seeing everything in popular culture and society as one way, but you can't shelter them from it. Especially with all the societal pressures of our world today.

Currently Listening: Sober by Kelly Clarkson

A Personal Critique

So, while I've been mostly at home all weekend, I got to thinking (in between watching The Wire, and finishing The Golden Compass). I'm not a super easy person to pin down. I have quite a few different interests, as I'm sure anyone who reads this knows.

If you were to ask me about my favorite kind of music, I couldn't pick one. It depends on the day for me. My iPod is the best thing I've ever received because it allows me to have a lot of music that I like, lots of different genres, and I can shuffle them, so I never know what's coming up. What is my favorite type of book to read? Again, I like a wide variety of books (non-fiction, fantasy, children's, chick lit, fiction).

Sometimes I think I'm eclectic. Sometimes I think I just know random facts, trivia, and things no one else quite knows. I just feel like a sponge sometimes. Really, some of the things I absorb are insane.

I'm not sure there are many people that wouldn't be surprised to find out at least one of these things: that I've seen Limp Bizkit in concert (and somehow ended up in the mosh pit), have met Salman Rushdie, totally love Keith Urban, am really into scrapbooking, STILL listen to N'Sync, love doing community service, wish I had grown up in the 60's, and watch football every weekend.

And that's just the half of it! I know, I know, I'm quite the nerd!

Currently Reading: Man Gone Down by Michael Thomas

Just when you thought it was safe...

Yesterday was awful. The only thing that made it better was going out for sushi for dinner. Work just kicked my butt - I had a lot of constituents, lots of phone calls coming in, and just really felt like I got nothing done for as busy as I was. So, today had to be better, right?

Not so much. Today ended up being a day that just made me feel drained, sad, and just plain sick. I skipped out on happy hour plans because I just had to withdraw. The last few hours of the day, I just felt so useless, didn't want to be there, tired, and just wanted to cry. I'm going to guess that partly, I don't feel well, and the other part of me feeling like this is I'm just feeling a little insignificant. Hm, I sound like a commercial for Zoloft. Sigh.

I'm a little confused because I feel lonely, yet I want to be alone. That doesn't really make any sense, does it?

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need..."

This has been a crappy week, period. I don't necessarily think that I can pinpoint why, except there were a lot of things that just didn't go how I would have liked. It's really strange how that happens.

Don't get me wrong. There have been a few good things that came out of this week - some good friends, my dog being here, and some cookies. But, for the most part, I've just been moping around and kind of a basketcase. It's been making it difficult for me to focus on anything for a long period of time, or even start, for that matter - whether it's reading my book, catching up on magazines, watching a movie, scrapbooking, jewelry making.

Plus, it's always hard to go back to work after being off for a week or so. It's hard to transition back into being productive, and I haven't done a very good job of that.

I've noticed in the last few months, that I am definitely not as ordered and organized as I used to be. In a way, I think that's a good thing, because I used to be really uptight. On the other hand, I feel like I've lost control of my life. It's hard to describe, but I feel like I used to have a better handle on things when I was making lists, had everything in order, etc. Now I just feel like my whole life is a mess - just check out my desk at work, or my apartment. That's not to say I've ever been the tidiest person ever - there's always been a method to my madness. However, I feel like I have lots more stuff lying around than I used to.

For those of you who know me now, and are thinking that I'm still uptight, take things too seriously or personally, or too organized, well, a few years back, I was a lot worse than I am now. I still do worry about a lot of things, have my own issues with myself, but it used to be much worse. I'm a lot more laid back now, but in a way, it's leaving me feeling really unorganized and not in control.

And, while I am reflecting, I've been thinking a lot lately about my personal issues. I've ALWAYS had issues with myself - I've either been a little chunky (middle school), been picked on about my last name (elementary school), been picked on for being smart (um, all through school), glasses (middle and high school), and had some guys in my life that have really made me think that I wasn't worth much. It's only recently that I'm realizing that a lot of those things have shaped who I am now. For the most part, I'm ok with being me. Though, sometimes there are things that I just wish I didn't feel compelled to do (such as trying to get attention, berate myself, etc.) You know how they say that you need to say 7 nice things to someone to cancel out 1 bad thing? I feel like I'm still trying to make up for all the bad things that I've heard said to me. Those seem to be the things that have stuck with me.

For example, two things I can think of - one is from high school, the other from college. The high school story is quite long, so I won't share it here, but the one from college that sticks with me is this one guy that I dated for awhile. I met him through a friend one night, and we dated for a few months. I can't even really remember how long it was at this point, but the one thing I remember for sure is the time he told me there was one thing he would change about me. My teeth. They weren't straight enough for him. Now, I know they're not completely straight, but I had never really thought about that before. But, since then, there are sometimes when I just look in the mirror and think about how I have crooked teeth. I think many of the incidents like this one are a big part of the reason that I have a hard time believing in myself, even though it's not anything that has happened recently. I wish I could forget them, but somehow, they've just seared into my mind.

So, I know I can be difficult, not sure of myself, self-deprecating, demanding, and a whole host of other things, but there are some reasons behind all that. Maybe not good reasons, but they are reasons.

Well, that turned into more rambling that I had originally intended on, but I certainly felt the need to vent a bit.

A Happy Thanksgiving to all...

This won't be the most eloquent post, but I'm taking a few minutes out of my lazy time today to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. Most of the day, I've taken time to reflect on the people in my life, and I am so grateful for them. I have many new friends who I am still getting to know and are becoming a big part of my life. There are also my old friends who have been around for the long haul that I won't forget. And, there are many great people that I wish I talked with more, but just don't. I'm thinking of all of you today.