This has been a crappy week, period. I don't necessarily think that I can pinpoint why, except there were a lot of things that just didn't go how I would have liked. It's really strange how that happens.
Don't get me wrong. There have been a few good things that came out of this week - some good friends, my dog being here, and some cookies. But, for the most part, I've just been moping around and kind of a basketcase. It's been making it difficult for me to focus on anything for a long period of time, or even start, for that matter - whether it's reading my book, catching up on magazines, watching a movie, scrapbooking, jewelry making.
Plus, it's always hard to go back to work after being off for a week or so. It's hard to transition back into being productive, and I haven't done a very good job of that.
I've noticed in the last few months, that I am definitely not as ordered and organized as I used to be. In a way, I think that's a good thing, because I used to be really uptight. On the other hand, I feel like I've lost control of my life. It's hard to describe, but I feel like I used to have a better handle on things when I was making lists, had everything in order, etc. Now I just feel like my whole life is a mess - just check out my desk at work, or my apartment. That's not to say I've ever been the tidiest person ever - there's always been a method to my madness. However, I feel like I have lots more stuff lying around than I used to.
For those of you who know me now, and are thinking that I'm still uptight, take things too seriously or personally, or too organized, well, a few years back, I was a lot worse than I am now. I still do worry about a lot of things, have my own issues with myself, but it used to be much worse. I'm a lot more laid back now, but in a way, it's leaving me feeling really unorganized and not in control.
And, while I am reflecting, I've been thinking a lot lately about my personal issues. I've ALWAYS had issues with myself - I've either been a little chunky (middle school), been picked on about my last name (elementary school), been picked on for being smart (um, all through school), glasses (middle and high school), and had some guys in my life that have really made me think that I wasn't worth much. It's only recently that I'm realizing that a lot of those things have shaped who I am now. For the most part, I'm ok with being me. Though, sometimes there are things that I just wish I didn't feel compelled to do (such as trying to get attention, berate myself, etc.) You know how they say that you need to say 7 nice things to someone to cancel out 1 bad thing? I feel like I'm still trying to make up for all the bad things that I've heard said to me. Those seem to be the things that have stuck with me.
For example, two things I can think of - one is from high school, the other from college. The high school story is quite long, so I won't share it here, but the one from college that sticks with me is this one guy that I dated for awhile. I met him through a friend one night, and we dated for a few months. I can't even really remember how long it was at this point, but the one thing I remember for sure is the time he told me there was one thing he would change about me. My teeth. They weren't straight enough for him. Now, I know they're not completely straight, but I had never really thought about that before. But, since then, there are sometimes when I just look in the mirror and think about how I have crooked teeth. I think many of the incidents like this one are a big part of the reason that I have a hard time believing in myself, even though it's not anything that has happened recently. I wish I could forget them, but somehow, they've just seared into my mind.
So, I know I can be difficult, not sure of myself, self-deprecating, demanding, and a whole host of other things, but there are some reasons behind all that. Maybe not good reasons, but they are reasons.
Well, that turned into more rambling that I had originally intended on, but I certainly felt the need to vent a bit.
No comments:
Post a Comment