So, I woke up this morning, and I was a little sluggish. However, that didn't last very long - I ended up being a little manic all day. I got quite a bit of stuff done, so my to do list isn't quite as long. Though, I'm sure that I will end up adding more to that soon. Sigh.
I know it's only Monday night, but I'm definitely looking forward to this weekend. The week is going to be quite busy - I won't get home until later on Tuesday night, Wednesday night, and Thursday I'll be working the late shift for Texas Hold 'Em. I don't currently have anything planned for the weekend, and I'm hoping to get some good sleep and hang out with the dog (I have her this week).
Currently Reading: The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory
Showing posts with label moods. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moods. Show all posts
Monday, March 3, 2008
Friday, November 30, 2007
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need..."
This has been a crappy week, period. I don't necessarily think that I can pinpoint why, except there were a lot of things that just didn't go how I would have liked. It's really strange how that happens.
Don't get me wrong. There have been a few good things that came out of this week - some good friends, my dog being here, and some cookies. But, for the most part, I've just been moping around and kind of a basketcase. It's been making it difficult for me to focus on anything for a long period of time, or even start, for that matter - whether it's reading my book, catching up on magazines, watching a movie, scrapbooking, jewelry making.
Plus, it's always hard to go back to work after being off for a week or so. It's hard to transition back into being productive, and I haven't done a very good job of that.
I've noticed in the last few months, that I am definitely not as ordered and organized as I used to be. In a way, I think that's a good thing, because I used to be really uptight. On the other hand, I feel like I've lost control of my life. It's hard to describe, but I feel like I used to have a better handle on things when I was making lists, had everything in order, etc. Now I just feel like my whole life is a mess - just check out my desk at work, or my apartment. That's not to say I've ever been the tidiest person ever - there's always been a method to my madness. However, I feel like I have lots more stuff lying around than I used to.
For those of you who know me now, and are thinking that I'm still uptight, take things too seriously or personally, or too organized, well, a few years back, I was a lot worse than I am now. I still do worry about a lot of things, have my own issues with myself, but it used to be much worse. I'm a lot more laid back now, but in a way, it's leaving me feeling really unorganized and not in control.
And, while I am reflecting, I've been thinking a lot lately about my personal issues. I've ALWAYS had issues with myself - I've either been a little chunky (middle school), been picked on about my last name (elementary school), been picked on for being smart (um, all through school), glasses (middle and high school), and had some guys in my life that have really made me think that I wasn't worth much. It's only recently that I'm realizing that a lot of those things have shaped who I am now. For the most part, I'm ok with being me. Though, sometimes there are things that I just wish I didn't feel compelled to do (such as trying to get attention, berate myself, etc.) You know how they say that you need to say 7 nice things to someone to cancel out 1 bad thing? I feel like I'm still trying to make up for all the bad things that I've heard said to me. Those seem to be the things that have stuck with me.
For example, two things I can think of - one is from high school, the other from college. The high school story is quite long, so I won't share it here, but the one from college that sticks with me is this one guy that I dated for awhile. I met him through a friend one night, and we dated for a few months. I can't even really remember how long it was at this point, but the one thing I remember for sure is the time he told me there was one thing he would change about me. My teeth. They weren't straight enough for him. Now, I know they're not completely straight, but I had never really thought about that before. But, since then, there are sometimes when I just look in the mirror and think about how I have crooked teeth. I think many of the incidents like this one are a big part of the reason that I have a hard time believing in myself, even though it's not anything that has happened recently. I wish I could forget them, but somehow, they've just seared into my mind.
So, I know I can be difficult, not sure of myself, self-deprecating, demanding, and a whole host of other things, but there are some reasons behind all that. Maybe not good reasons, but they are reasons.
Well, that turned into more rambling that I had originally intended on, but I certainly felt the need to vent a bit.
Don't get me wrong. There have been a few good things that came out of this week - some good friends, my dog being here, and some cookies. But, for the most part, I've just been moping around and kind of a basketcase. It's been making it difficult for me to focus on anything for a long period of time, or even start, for that matter - whether it's reading my book, catching up on magazines, watching a movie, scrapbooking, jewelry making.
Plus, it's always hard to go back to work after being off for a week or so. It's hard to transition back into being productive, and I haven't done a very good job of that.
I've noticed in the last few months, that I am definitely not as ordered and organized as I used to be. In a way, I think that's a good thing, because I used to be really uptight. On the other hand, I feel like I've lost control of my life. It's hard to describe, but I feel like I used to have a better handle on things when I was making lists, had everything in order, etc. Now I just feel like my whole life is a mess - just check out my desk at work, or my apartment. That's not to say I've ever been the tidiest person ever - there's always been a method to my madness. However, I feel like I have lots more stuff lying around than I used to.
For those of you who know me now, and are thinking that I'm still uptight, take things too seriously or personally, or too organized, well, a few years back, I was a lot worse than I am now. I still do worry about a lot of things, have my own issues with myself, but it used to be much worse. I'm a lot more laid back now, but in a way, it's leaving me feeling really unorganized and not in control.
And, while I am reflecting, I've been thinking a lot lately about my personal issues. I've ALWAYS had issues with myself - I've either been a little chunky (middle school), been picked on about my last name (elementary school), been picked on for being smart (um, all through school), glasses (middle and high school), and had some guys in my life that have really made me think that I wasn't worth much. It's only recently that I'm realizing that a lot of those things have shaped who I am now. For the most part, I'm ok with being me. Though, sometimes there are things that I just wish I didn't feel compelled to do (such as trying to get attention, berate myself, etc.) You know how they say that you need to say 7 nice things to someone to cancel out 1 bad thing? I feel like I'm still trying to make up for all the bad things that I've heard said to me. Those seem to be the things that have stuck with me.
For example, two things I can think of - one is from high school, the other from college. The high school story is quite long, so I won't share it here, but the one from college that sticks with me is this one guy that I dated for awhile. I met him through a friend one night, and we dated for a few months. I can't even really remember how long it was at this point, but the one thing I remember for sure is the time he told me there was one thing he would change about me. My teeth. They weren't straight enough for him. Now, I know they're not completely straight, but I had never really thought about that before. But, since then, there are sometimes when I just look in the mirror and think about how I have crooked teeth. I think many of the incidents like this one are a big part of the reason that I have a hard time believing in myself, even though it's not anything that has happened recently. I wish I could forget them, but somehow, they've just seared into my mind.
So, I know I can be difficult, not sure of myself, self-deprecating, demanding, and a whole host of other things, but there are some reasons behind all that. Maybe not good reasons, but they are reasons.
Well, that turned into more rambling that I had originally intended on, but I certainly felt the need to vent a bit.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
"I never thought it was such a bad little tree..."
"I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed." - Charlie Brown
I'm fairly certain that Chuck got it right here. I really know of no other way to describe it than the above quote.
I've actually been quite uncharacteristic this week - I've baked cookies two nights in a row this week, and brought them into work. It's not like I was going to sit down and eat them all! I just felt compelled to bake, so that's what I did. I've had several people tell me I'm nesting. Sigh.
I'm not sure if it's just a combination of things right now, but I've had some trouble concentrating at work lately. My mind wanders elsewhere, and I just can't focus. In this respect, I just haven't done a whole lot. I know this - but it turned up in what I assume was supposed to be a joke toward the end of my day today. A co-worker of mine mused "Sometimes I wonder if you do any work." Ouch. I know that person probably meant it in a joking fashion, but man that statement ended up stinging. Even though I know I haven't been motivated at work, it still hurts when someone else comments on it. So, if anyone has some ideas for how to get me motivated at work again, please let me know.
It's just me and Dakota this week. I have grand plans to rearrange my apartment this weekend, throw out all the garbage, and do some reading. We'll see how productive I actually am.
I'm fairly certain that Chuck got it right here. I really know of no other way to describe it than the above quote.
I've actually been quite uncharacteristic this week - I've baked cookies two nights in a row this week, and brought them into work. It's not like I was going to sit down and eat them all! I just felt compelled to bake, so that's what I did. I've had several people tell me I'm nesting. Sigh.
I'm not sure if it's just a combination of things right now, but I've had some trouble concentrating at work lately. My mind wanders elsewhere, and I just can't focus. In this respect, I just haven't done a whole lot. I know this - but it turned up in what I assume was supposed to be a joke toward the end of my day today. A co-worker of mine mused "Sometimes I wonder if you do any work." Ouch. I know that person probably meant it in a joking fashion, but man that statement ended up stinging. Even though I know I haven't been motivated at work, it still hurts when someone else comments on it. So, if anyone has some ideas for how to get me motivated at work again, please let me know.
It's just me and Dakota this week. I have grand plans to rearrange my apartment this weekend, throw out all the garbage, and do some reading. We'll see how productive I actually am.
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