Damned if you do, damned if you don't

There are a number of things that I could write about today, but this one has been rolling around in my head all week, so here goes.

I have this really bad habit of caring too much about what other people think of me. More specifically, regarding acceptance and living up to expectations. Expectations for me have been set high from a very early time in my life (I can't remember NOT having pressure from them).

I've also always wanted to fit in. I was picked on a lot in school for being smart or a band geek or having super long hair (I'm sure there were more things). I never did feel like I fit in anywhere before I went to college.

At UM, I had the opportunity to get lost. I remember friends of mine not understanding why I wanted to go to school so far away and at such a big school. Basically, because I could get lost and start all over. I never did go home much while I was in college.

Anyway, we run across people all the time that, for some reason, they don't like us, don't like something we've done, or are just downright mean. In most cases, you can ignore them, or limit interaction with them to minimize their actions.

But in some cases, it happens to be someone you may respect. And you don't know why, but you can't quite seem to understand what you ever did for them to act they way they do towards you. You just don't know why they don't see that you care, other than you just saw something differently than they did and took a direction they didn't like.

I also have another bad habit - I ruminate about negative stuff all the time. This goes back to expectations. They've always been high for me and when I haven't quite achieved them (say, 2nd chair to a college student in youth symphony) but still did well, it just wasn't good enough.

So, I've been thinking a lot about a person who can't quite seem to grasp that even though I took a completely different route than they did, I still care and contribute.

We always look back on things with more wisdom, because we learned something from a decision or mistake that we made. I think about the decisions I made regarding this issue a lot and regardless of the pain, failures and frustration, I don't think I would do anything differently, because I did what I felt was the right thing for me to do at the time. And I only hope that I've been able to help others because of what I learned.

And it brings me to this quote.

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." - Eleanor Roosevelt

What I've been learning for a number of years is that we are supposed to be ourselves. And for me, that means doing things because I care and it's the right thing to do. I can only hope that other people see that in me and I will continue to do the right thing.