I don't wanna be lonely no more...

I realized as I was getting ready to make dinner (for myself) that I've been really lonely. It's been one of those months that wasn't quite as busy as May was, but Eric was gone a lot, first to Mexico, then to England. And, I've been sleeping a lot (by myself).

Normally, this wouldn't phase me so much, as I like alone time, but for some reason, just having the dog here when I come home hasn't been enough. Plus, while he was abroad, we couldn't really talk on the phone - in the 16 days he was out of the country, we talked on the phone once.

I'm really looking forward to time off and a chance to see Eric. We have a vacation to Portland coming up, so we'll get to spend time together. I"ve missed him a lot, and I've also been missing some of my friends a lot.

It has also reminded me that I have to make sure that I make an effort with people to do things when I'm lonely, otherwise, I'll just end up sleeping to avoid the sadness. It's hard to motivate myself sometimes though. I just wish I could make the feeling go away...

Vacation!!

OK, so it's a little early to be so excited about vacation. However, I only have 2 more days of work this week, then all of next week before going to Portland. I'm heading west to Muskegon this weekend for the holiday weekend. It's been a looong time since I've been there, so I'm looking forward to spending some time there and heading to Mia & Grace for food...mmmm.

I find myself sitting on the couch tonight, STILL tired. After being at work until 1am Thursday night/Friday AM, I worked from 9am-1pm on Friday, then hung out with a friend, took a 40 minute nap before heading to Festival of the Moon to pour beer for 3 hours. Whew! I was so worked up after pouring beer (adrenaline rush) that it took awhile for me to go to bed, but I slept until about 8am, then headed to Potter Park Zoo with the Region D Jaycees. But I was so tired I left after lunch, came home and honestly can't remember what I did, then took a 4 hour nap. Woke up for a couple hours, then went back to bed for the night.

Sunday was a little more normal, but still trying to get back on a normal sleep schedule. I'm sure I'll get there, but I'm still feeling a little slow. I think I determined the past few days that I like sleep - A LOT. Maybe a little too much. I've taken more naps in the past 6 months than I remember taking in my life.

MJ & Farrah

So yesterday was just weird. Not only was I at work until 1am, but both Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson passed away. Being born in 1980, I didn't really have much exposure to Farrah Fawcett in my childhood, but Michael Jackson has been there since I was born. This is not to say that I am not sad about Farrah, but to me, she isn't necessarily an icon that I loved. She was a very strong woman, and there is no reason that people shouldn't celebrate her life and the way she continued to fight her battle with cancer.

However, as weird as he may have been, Michael Jackson was a living legend. An icon of my childhood. When I hear his songs, I can pull up memories and his videos. I'm kind of a freak like that, but who can forget the sidewalk that lights up in "Billie Jean" or the knife fight in "Beat It"? When you hear "Smooth Criminal" doesn't it make you want to lean dance like he and his crew? MTV played videos last night after the news broke, and they played "Jam" - Michael Jordan, Heavy D and Kris Kross all in that video! "Remember the Time" with Eddie Murphy, Iman, and Magic Johnson... And who can forget one of the most amazing and technological videos at the time - "Black or White"? Oh yeah, and MacCauley Culkin was in that one...lol.

I've seen a lot of conflicting comments in the last 24 hours. There are many people that think his death isn't newsworthy because he was an alleged child molester (you can form your own judgements here). People are angry he's overshadowing Farrah. But, I want people to know, for me, an icon died. I love the music. That doesn't mean I condone his alleged actions, or think he was completely sane. What I can say is that he was a musical genius. That is what I'm sad about - an end of an era. There's no chance of that greatness from him again. He was such a strong influence to many in the music industry, just like The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Elvis, Led Zeppelin and many others. Let's not take that away from him.

So, in my mind, the Michael Jackson musical experience will continue...R.I.P.

Making sense?

Today I find myself curious if I'm making any sense. I feel like I've been walking around in a sort of fog. Yesterday at work, I was on auto-pilot, pushed everything else out of my head, and did what I needed to do, trying to be as prepared as possible. But this ended up being one of those days where that happened for almost 12 hours straight!

And here I am today waiting for the weekend to start. Yes, I know it's only Thursday, but I need some sleep. Or at least some down time. Or something! I'm starting to feel a little burned out from everything going on in my life. It'll be nice to have things get back to normal at the end of this week and also have some time to catch up on all the craziness that's been going on!

Oh yeah, and I probably should finish unpacking my apartment. Then maybe I can get back to scrapbooking and jewelry stuff...yeah, that's it!

Selfish

Obviously if you've been reading my blog, you've noticed I've talked a lot about friends lately. On my way home from work tonight, and after having plans I was looking forward to foiled, I realized that I've been feeling like my "friends" don't necessarily want me around. Part of that is that I can't help them the way that I want to help them.

Part of this is jealousy - jealousy that some friends have other people that are helping them more, when I really want to be the one to help. I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but it's true. When someone has helped you so much, how can you not want to do as much as you can for them?

Anyway, so now that I'm finally home from work, I'm trying not to be too sad about my plans that unfortunately fell through, but it's not working so great so far...

Soulmates

I've been reading the third installment of the Twilight series and finished it the other night. For those of you who don't know much about it, the main storyline is that Bella, the main character, is in love with a vampire, Edward. However, she also loves Jacob, a werewolf. She can't live without Edward, but loves them both.

This got me to thinking - is there more than one soulmate out there for everyone? Bella's choice is to become a vampire so she won't have to live without Edward. She mentions in her thoughts that she has seen her life with Jacob if she decided to stay human. Now, maybe it's far-fetched, but how far-fetched is it that there's only ONE person out there for each of us? What if that one person for you lived halfway around the world from you? What's the chance that you would meet them?

It makes me wonder if people can see themselves with someone else, like Bella did with Jacob. Is there an alternate "universe" where everyone is with someone else? I realize that sounds a little "X-Files" like, but I'm kinda weird like that...lol.

Or - can soulmates change throughout your life? No one is the same throughout life, and everyone grows, changes opinions, and has different interests. Is this how people grow apart or why divorces happen? I realize that there are many ways people can grow apart, but is part of that because soulmates change?

I also believe that soulmates can become your best friends - they don't have to be a romantic partner by any stretch of the imagination. This could be part of the reason why as we get older, we have fewer good friends. It's not that less people like you, it's that you really connect with those people...

I've always believed that there is more than one person out there for everyone. It's hard for me to believe that out of all the people in the world, there's only ONE per person. While there are a lot of things I don't particularly like in the Twilight books (such as Bella being so WHINY), I still read them and this was something that I felt really made sense to me and felt compelled to share it.

Recharging Saturday

I find myself in a place I didn't expect to be this Saturday - on the couch in my apartment! The Lansing Jaycees golf outing was supposed to be today, however, it needs to be rescheduled because the storm was so crazy last night that it flooded some of the holes on the course.

So, my plan for the day turned into going back to bed until close to noon! Apparently, I needed a nap. Now I've just been taking it easy today and trying to figure out how to spend two days in a row without anywhere to be!

I still have unpacking to do, so I'm sure I'll get some of that done. Mostly, I'll decompress from this week and try to prepare for next week.

No thanks, you're not needed...

I have days every once in awhile when I feel like nobody would particularly miss me if I were gone - except my dog, because who would feed her?

I've been playing catch up at work from a crazy busy week, and my mind has been wandering to other things. Eric is in England until next Thursday, so we won't talk on the phone until he gets back. This, combined with him having been in Mexico for a week recently, just feels weird. I'm used to talking to him every day.

Then there are the friends that you want to help, but you're not sure how to. But that doesn't matter particularly, since they have plenty of others to help them, so, not missed there either.

I don't know if it's a product of really strange happenings in my life lately, or just strange coincidence. It's strange how certain events can really make you feel lonely and not needed...

Wearing Your Heart on Your Sleeve

For those of you who don't know, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. It's a safe bet that if I'm in a bad mood, you'll know about it. If I'm in a good mood, you'll also know it. For the most part, I've never seen it quite as a bad thing to let people know how I'm feeling.

With the new technology available today such as Twitter, Facebook and blogs, it's a wonder that not EVERYONE knows how I feel. I tend to update my Facebook status on a fairly regular basis. I use different things - what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, song lyrics of the song on my iPod, or quotes. I tend to use it as more of an outlet to clear my brain sometimes, similar to my blog.

And because I use it as a way to clear my thoughts or get something off my chest, I never really think much about the ramifications of what I write. Everyone has bad days, and everyone has to have a way to deal with them right? But, how do negative comments look to others that look at your Facebook page or blog? How is it different than acting like you're in a bad mood?

I think for me, in some ways, being able to share what I'm feeling or thinking on a status update helps me cope with what's going on in my life. Especially when I don't quite have people that I can call up to vent about things...

More thoughts...

Today I've been thinking about friends again. Lots of questions have been swirling through my head, including whether it's worth it to be loyal to anyone, especially when there's always the chance to that person not having the same type of committment to a friendship as you do.

How do you know when to trust someone? How do you know when someone really, truly is a friend? When do you not have to worry about saying something wrong to someone you consider a friend? Why do I always feel like I'm screwing up with people that I want as friends?

Just a bunch of questions tonight...

Sunday nights

I find myself sitting here on a Sunday night, watching some more Smallville in an attempt to get caught up for when season 8 comes out on DVD in August. I'm in the middle of season 4 right now - for the second time. I had to rewatch seasons I'd already seen since it had been awhile.

But my mind keeps wandering. There's a lot going on for me this week, and I have a feeling that my work and personal lives are going to collide toward the end of the week. I don't do well on Mondays anyway, but this week it's going to be even tougher. I've got a lot of catching up to do at work from last week still, and there are some other things I am waiting to hear about.

I think it's going to be a long week that I'm very anxious to see how it pans out. However, I think that I'm going to be quite anxious throughout the entire week and hope I can be productive...

Blogs

I've come to the realization lately that I usually write blogs in order to get things off my mind, or clear my mind. They aren't necessarily mind blowing or thought provoking, but it's been a good place to vent frustrations or clear my mind.

I know I'm not the most coherent writer, but I write comes to my brain. I have lots of friends that are very good writers, and have a point to their blogs, but I'm just not one of those...

Friends

I know a lot of people - whether it's through work, the Jaycees, since high school, or other means. But, I honestly don't have a lot of friends. The few that I do have, I tend to be fiercely loyal to.

So today brings me to this thought: I feel horrible when I can't help one of my friends out. Especially when at times, they do so much for me. It puts me into a funk when I try to cheer someone up, but it doesn't work. I want to do everything in my power to help people.

I've learned many times though that even with being loyal to my friends, there are only a very few people that would help me out as I would help them. Which, is why I've determined I have very few good friends anymore. I know our circles get smaller as we get older, but I'm still trying to grapple with it.