Taking risks and new journeys

"Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

The month of October has been challenging. It's been surreal in a lot of ways, especially the first couple of weeks. Recently, I've felt like I've been emerging from a fog - there are things I don't necessarily remember because I felt numb.

I took a risk. Despite the odds, I did it. It didn't turn out how I wanted it to. It might be considered a failure. Actually, it was a failure. I lost. 

And I still haven't recovered from that blow. In some ways, I've been paralyzed. I've taken it personally in so many ways and it feels like I got hit from multiple directions. I'm not sure how to pick myself up. Except that's what I need to do - figure out the famous question from President Bartlet on the West Wing - "What's next?"

After a very dismal month of running in September (let's call this "the lost month", so aptly dubbed by my friend Laura), I turned to running as a coping mechanism. Granted, I still have not been able to get my butt out of bed in the mornings, but I've been fitting runs in and trying to get my schedule back on track.

As I've been trying to figure out "What's next?", I've been looking at some long range plans. And in a bit of a twist from my normal routes, I'm looking at things that will have me focus on me.

I've plotted out my Master of Public Administration degree program; I've made some financial plans; I've started blogging again and have started reading (for fun) again. I have some hairbrained plans for some projects for the upcoming year.

And now, I'm taking another risk - I signed up to run a half marathon (13.1 miles) with Team in Training in Washington, D.C.

Me? Run a half marathon? Hahahahahaha. That's funny. As my friend Dave says "that's driving distance!" I was happy to run 4 miles the other day. I made it to 4! Oh, and have I mentioned that I have NEVER been to Washington, D.C.?

But this opportunity is one I couldn't pass up. Not only will I do something for myself, I'll be able to do that while helping a great cause of helping fight cancer with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS).

I can't do this without support though - both mental and monetary. And that scares the crap out of me that I won't be able to overcome one or both of these things. But, my goal is to finish the race and make it to my minimum fundraising commitment of $3200 by April 9.

As time goes on, there will be multiple opportunities to help fund this adventure and donate to LLS. You may get an email from me; you may see my page on Facebook; you may see a bake sale, magazine sale website and other fundraisers. I realize none of this is going to be easy, which is why I'm asking for all the help I can get.

In the meantime, my fundraising website is here: http://pages.teamintraining.org/mi/nikewhlf13/angelaclock#

I've been told that this experience will change my life. I've been told that it's an amazing group of people. I am so excited and cannot wait to find out where this takes me. 

I hope that you'll consider helping me get to the finish line.

Baseball, or something like that

As I just finished watching the end of the World Series (congrats to the San Francisco Giants), I couldn't help but empathize with the Detroit Tigers. Now, I don't know a lot about baseball, but I do know a lot about losing.

This was a team that people wrote off late in the season. People were asking for Jim Leyland's head. And then, they made the playoffs. Then they were winning games. They were playing well. They made it to the World Series by sweeping the Yankees. And fans all over Michigan were pumped up.

Then the series against the Giants started. And it didn't go the Tigers' way.

That doesn't mean they didn't try. That doesn't mean that they didn't want to be there. They worked hard to get to that point. If they didn't, they wouldn't have been in the World Series in the first place.

Again, I don't know much about baseball, but I do know that sometimes, you just can't overcome the odds.

Yet, I see what's going on in my Facebook feed after the game. That guy that won the Triple Crown? He's now a disappointment and overrated. That team that worked hard and made it to the World Series? A failure.

All of these comments from the people that weren't out on that field. The people that don't know what it's like to be on that team, or have the weight of Detroit on their shoulders when they're up at bat. Yet I bet there's an entire team of Detroit Tigers that are being even harder on themselves right now.

Trust me - they are asking themselves why. They are each questioning whether one little thing they could have done differently would have made a difference. They are kicking themselves for every little mistake they made. They will beat themselves up for letting YOU, the fans, down. Everything the fans are saying, they'll hear that plus the voices in their heads.

Before you judge the team from your couch, remember that you (most likely) haven't been in the situation of being in the World Series.

It will take them awhile to recover from what could potentially be a devastating loss.

But, the Tigers will be back next year. They'll learn from this defeat. Regardless of the outcome, this team went further than people thought they would. Sometimes, a team just can't overcome the odds or they just catch all the bad breaks.

We should be proud of everything they accomplished this year and support them now and in the future seasons.

BELIEVE.

A lesson from...Ann Coulter?

Not quite.

This morning, a friend of mine posted on Facebook "An Open Letter to Ann Coulter". Most of you may not know this, but I have read a couple of her books in the past. There are some things I've read that she makes sense on. But, more often than not, this woman just spews hatred.

Since I didn't watch much of the debate and I don't follow Ann on Twitter, I had totally missed her use of the R-word. But I am so glad that John Franklin Stephens didn't miss what she posted. In reading his letter, what jumped out at me was the following:

"Finally, I wondered if you meant to degrade him as someone who is likely to receive bad health care, live in low grade housing with very little income and still manages to see life as a wonderful gift."

And while I know he was talking about people with disabilities, it also struck me because I had just told a friend of mine this past week that I felt silly for tearing up every time I saw someone on the side of the road with a cardboard sign, looking for food or a job. I felt silly because most people would just ignore them and go about with their day, yet here I was thinking about what I could do to help them. Granted, I've always felt this way about the homeless people I've encountered.

You never know what people have gone through. They could be military veterans. They could have disabilities that hinder their ability to work. We are so quick to judge and degrade others, yet we have no idea what challenges and struggles they've gone through.

And despite those struggles, they still keep on keepin' on.

Is it that people are scared of what is different from themselves and what they know that they feel the need to degrade others? Is it that they don't care how they treat other people? Is it that they are so insecure of themselves they have to put others down to feel better?

I think it's all of these things. But personally, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

I hope you can sleep at night, Ann Coulter. Especially since you have a whole lot of people that will be fighting back against you, led by John Franklin Stephens.

“The best index to a person's character is how he treats people who can't do him any good, and how he treats people who can't fight back.” - Abigail Van Buren

Moving forward with priorities

“Perpetual devotion to what a man calls his business, is only to be sustained by perpetual neglect of many other things.” - Robert Louis Stevenson

This year has been a test in priorities and time for me. Between work, volunteer commitments, school and personal time, I've definitely been learning a lot about time management (or more how to apply the principles of it). 

Most of what I've learned this year is that I need to take more time for myself and think more about my health (as I eat pizza and drink Mountain Dew - I know, I'm working on it). I think we go through ebbs and flows - at different times in our lives, different things are priorities for us. Job duties change, family situations change. Our priorities can change in order to reach a longer term goal in our lives.

Sometimes when we go through a shift in priorities, there's a struggle. We feel guilty for focusing on ourselves. We worry we're not doing enough at work if we're not there 50 hours a week. Giving something up can be painful because it's something we used to love but just don't have time for anymore (oh, reading books for pleasure...this is for you). At times, we know what is best for us, but it's not necessarily what we want to do.

But at the end of the day, we are only good at what we do if we aren't burned out. We have to make choices - we can't do everything. Today, I made the choice to come home instead of go to yoga (though, both were excellent choices). This year I've made some big choices that will influence goals of mine in the future. And right now, my priorities are being realigned in order to best serve me. Because the best me is the one I want everyone to see.

Our own worst critic

I went to a yoga workshop today at Just B Yoga called "Yoga for Depression and Anxiety". It focused on breathing, movement and how to change your thoughts.

Something the instructor said has stuck with me. We need to be compassionate with ourselves. As human beings, we can be compassionate to other people, but we tend to be hard on ourselves. We expect a lot of people, and especially ourselves.

Think about it - if you and a friend went through the same exact experience, say, losing a job due to layoffs - what would you say to her and what would you say to yourself?

Most likely, you would be encouraging and supportive of your friend. And while you may be that way to yourself, you may also throw in the thoughts of failure and what did you do wrong. Even things that are out of our control, we find ourselves berating ourselves and putting ourselves down.

Why can't you be as supportive of you as you would be of your friend?

Today, I'm struggling with this. As I watch all these amazing runners who finished a half marathon or a marathon, it's so awesome! What did I do today? I ran a 5K. In some ways I feel like I should be doing longer distances or posting faster times. I'm used to being good at things. But running isn't coming easy to me and I really have to make a conscious decision to tell myself that's ok and I will get there someday But there's still that voice inside my head that doesn't think I'm doing good enough.

Same with my yoga class from last week - here I thought I was going to go to class on Monday and Wednesday and be a little sore, but still be able to do both. I could barely lift my arms by Wednesday and had to modify my plan. And now that I'm not necessarily in pain, I'm disappointed in myself for not going the second day last week.

I'm told that I'm pretty awesome. But I don't always believe it. What comes next is working on seeing myself the way that others see me and being more compassionate to myself. And while this isn't going to be easy, it'll be better in the long run.

“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” - African Proverb

On rejection

Recently, I've been dealing with rejection in a few different forms, from a few different angles. It's never an easy situation, and clearly we all deal with it from time to time. And it got me thinking back to an instance from last year.

See, I was unemployed for the beginning of 2011. I had worked in the Senate for 5 years, my boss was term limited, and well, that's kind of the game. I applied for a lot of positions and interviewed for many, but nothing seemed to come together. It was rejection on a constant basis. There was one particular position I had interviewed for and thought I did well. The organization seemed to be one that I wanted to work for. It was respected in the area. They had a great mission.

And then I waited. And waited. I never got a call. Not even a "thanks for coming in to interview, but we've gone with someone else."

Now, I know that common courtesy has gone by the wayside because companies don't have the resources to make a quick 2 minute phone call or send a letter. But I can tell you that when you're job hunting, that cowardly type of rejection where you just don't contact the person is demoralizing.

When you are rejected, especially by people that you had some sort of respect for, it hurts. Rejection is never a good situation, but all too often we forget how to treat people with respect along with the rejection.

The good news is, I eventually learned they never filled the position. I also learned that it probably wasn't a company that I wanted to work for anyway. The turnover was high and the employees were unhappy. In hindsight, it wasn't a good fit for me. And luckily, a different opportunity presented itself shortly thereafter.

We are so quick to jump to conclusions about people that are unemployed and looking for work. "He isn't looking enough." "She needs to try harder." "Why don't you have a job yet?" And really, we don't understand, unless we've been there, how tough it can be to go through that process.

I'm not perfect. I've dealt with being the bearer of rejection before. I probably didn't do it right in some cases. But we should all work to not reject people in a demoralizing manner. We should work to be respectful and be constructive. In some ways, we have forgotten how to be decent human beings to each other.

Some book suggestions

I had mentioned in a blog post the other day that I had purchased a book to read. The one I purchased was Fall of Giants by Ken Follett. I'm a huge fan of his book The Pillars of the Earth and definitely need to re-read it soon.

In light of that, I am doing a post of books (not all-inclusive) that over the years, have stuck out to me as ones that I love, for one reason or another.

Please feel free to add more suggestions below. Enjoy!

- The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
- The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
- To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
- A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith
- Girl Sleuth: Nancy Drew and the Women Who Created Her by Melanie Rehak
- The Supergirls by Mike Madrid
- Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese
- The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins
- The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot
- The Help by Kathryn Stockett
- The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein
- The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series by Stieg Larsson
- Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore
- Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
- The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery
- Empire Falls by Richard Russo
- Choke by Chuck Palahniuk
- The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri
- The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon
- Sula by Toni Morrison

It's like riding a bicycle...

Tonight, I went to my first yoga class in almost a year. Of course, I was freaking out about it during the day because I was pretty sure I wouldn't make it through the entire thing without a break in child's pose.

I've done yoga on and off since about 2008 (as well as I can remember). More recently, I've been off. Part of me didn't want to go back because I know I'm not very good at it.

Yes, I know there's no "so and so is better than me" in yoga. It's not about what others are doing, but it's about you and your practice. I know all these things, and it's taken me years to be able to acknowledge that. Every once in awhile, I can even go to a class and think that and be ok.

I ended up buying a 10 class pass in order to get my butt back to a class. I found a Yoga for Runners class at Hilltop Yoga and decided to start there.

I had a hard time keeping up tonight. I stopped when I wanted. I cursed chaturanga (I have weak arms). All of this seemed oddly familiar...it was like riding a bicycle.

But there were a few different things. The one that stuck out most was getting used to poses with a different body. Since the last time I went to yoga, I've started running and lost almost 40 pounds. It's a bit strange working with a body that you're still not quite used to.

I was able to pick up the sequence. I knew what the words meant (even if I can't say them...it's kind of like French for me now). I cursed chaturanga (did I mention that already?). I knew when to chill for a minute and catch up in the sequence. I sweat just as much or more than before. It actually sort of felt like I hadn't left.

I have a feeling in the upcoming weeks, I'm definitely going to need more yoga to keep me going. I'm going to need to take the time to just quiet my mind. Even if it is just "don't fall over" or "yup, that one was a belly flop."

Sometimes, you just have to keep moving. Sometimes, you need your brain to not be focused on all the other crap, and just say "move" or "breathe". Sometimes, you need to be calm in order to deal with the next round of the fight.

Namaste.

GO BLUE!

Many of you know that I bleed Maize and Blue. Sometimes, that's a hard thing when you live in the Lansing area (where it seems like everyone is an MSU fan).

I had heard about this race in Ann Arbor that started recently that allowed participants to finish on the field at the Big House. Of course, before I started running, I thought "cool - that would be fun if I ran". But now that I'm running, I've decided that I want to do the race.

It's the Big House Big Heart race - you can find more info here. Registration for 2013 is not open yet, but I'm basically stalking the page so I can make sure I get a spot.

AND - I'm going to do the 10K. I'm really excited to get ready for this race and run through a campus and city that I love. And to get to finish the race where I graduated from college is something that will stick with me for years.

Luckily, I've got a few months to prepare! Here we go...HAIL TO THE VICTORS!

Free to be...me?

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." - e.e. cummings

This is a quote I tend to use a lot, mostly because it reminds me that being me is quite alright. And lately, I've been realizing that "being me" is extremely complicated.

In a conversation at work the other day, my co-workers learned that I was a huge band geek and that I play the flute. A statement was made that I didn't seem like a flute player. Which is interesting, because I don't really see myself being anything else (I played saxophone a little bit, but wouldn't call myself a sax player).

In recent months, I haven't done much reading for fun. I used to read 25-30 books a year. And I realized the other day that I miss it a lot. I have an entire shelf of books in my apartment and I've maybe read half of them. I made a point to go out and buy a book in hopes to kickstart my reading habit again.

And then there are the parts of who I am that I'm not sure what to think yet. I posted a Facebook status update the other day that said "Runs, but is not a runner." and it ended up turning more into a Jeopardy question/riddle. But, I don't consider myself a runner, even though I've been running. Or am I runner? I ask myself the same question with yoga (which I haven't done for a long time, but plotting my comeback). I like yoga, but am I a yogi?

What most of us still need to learn (especially me) is that only we define who we are. Others may put labels on us; they may try to put square pegs in round holes; they may tell us we can or can't do something. 

We have the power to be ourselves. We have the power to do this, regardless of how others try to view us or categorize us. We need to be ourselves, despite what others think. There comes a point when we have to make the decision to define who we are.

For me, that day is today.

37

As I was on my way home from work today, I started doing some math. The answer to the simple subtraction problem that I did was 37.

At one point in the last two years, I had reached 175 pounds. I had started to try to work out after my mom had her heart attack in 2010. It never quite took hold and I didn't get in the habit. I kept going back and forth from being active to not being active.

Strangely enough, it took an unusual turn of events to put me on the path I am now. In late July 2011, I started losing my appetite. I started losing weight. I figured it would pass. But I finally went to the doctor in late September and after a full blood panel, I found out I had mono. AGAIN.

You see, I had mono back in college. I thought you couldn't get it again. I thought wrong. After a few more weeks, things started getting back to normal a bit. I slowly started to eat again but I wasn't quite gaining much weight back. But I wasn't losing any. Fast forward to March of this year...

Somehow, I decided to start running. This is pretty shocking, since my idea of "running the mile" in high school was to walk the entire thing because I had to finish to get a passing grade in gym. I was slow. I AM slow.

Since I started in March, I've been on a roller coaster. I've lost more weight, I've run faster, I've run longer. I've run slower and shorter distances. I've gone out for only a 1.5 mile run; I've done a 5 mile run. I run, but I'm not a runner. I ran my first 5K in June and have run about 5-6 more since then.

So that brings me back to 37. Today, I'm at 138 pounds (give or take, depending on how much I ate). In a lot of ways, I'm still surprised. Surprised that this whole thing was kickstarted by being sick. Surprised that I even began running. Surprised that I've actually liked and stuck with running. Surprised that I look and feel so different.

Sometimes, I don't know quite how to feel about it. It can change at any time. But today, the number is 37.

Life's a Journey...Enjoy the Ride

As I was thinking about what to write - all I could think about was "a journey". Then the phrase "Life's a Journey...Enjoy the Ride" popped into my head. It was the theme of the 1997 Sailor Pride Day in high school. Funny, I still have the t-shirt.

But as I think about where I've been in the last week, the last month, the last year and beyond that, that statement is dead on. Sometimes the journey takes you back to the beginning, sometimes it takes you farther than you ever imagined you'd go. It takes you places that are familiar and places that you feel uncomfortable in. Life also gives you the opportunity to feel great, happy feelings; but it also gives you feelings you don't know what to do with or that make you uncomfortable.

As I work on my goals and my life, I know there will be challenges. But I've also learned that through the tough times, there are the people that are closest to you that keep you sane. I'm not alone in the journey that I'm taking now, but sometimes it's hard to remember that.

Sometimes, we choose the direction we go; sometimes, it's chosen for us. Either way, the journey presents some bumpy roads at times. But we'll never know what greatness or happiness feels like if we don't experience failure or sadness.

From a blog posted on Facebook yesterday, 50 Lessons I Wish I Had Learned Earlier...

#13 - You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.

Rebuilding

As I ran a 5K yesterday after not having run for two weeks, I realized a couple of things:

1) I'm still trying to get used to running in colder weather. I like it, but it's just a different sensation in my breathing.

2) I need to run more than once every two weeks if I expect to run halfway decent.

3) Sometimes, you just need to start over.

So, while I don't have to start completely over (I can still run), I am going to dial things backwards in order to rebuild to where I was. I'll be going back on the Couch to 5K schedule in order to get back into a routine, and also to build my distance back up. I'm starting between 2-2.5 miles each run.

We'll see what happens...