2013 has to be better, right?

It's been no secret. 2012 has not been my favorite year, for a variety of reasons. There were some really good things that happened (job change, running, weight loss), but they were overshadowed by the downsides.

So, I am really looking forward to 2013. It's a chance for me to continue some things I've started, and also some new beginnings.

With that, I've been working on some plans, and also my resolutions for 2013. I've put some things into motion already, as you'll see below. A lot of them also play off of each other, which I'm hoping will make them all easier to achieve!

1) Get to 145 lbs. and stay there: Many of you know that I went through some unexpected weight loss toward the end of 2011 and kept it off when I started running. In the last month or so, I've gained back a few pounds (I'm at 151 now) and my jeans are getting a little tight. So, I'd like to get back to where I was.

2) Finish my first half marathon: I'm already signed up, I've raised over $1400 on my way to $3500, and started training at the end of November. I'm running a 6 mile race on Tuesday (really?), which will be my longest run to date. No time goal, just want to finish the race (April 28).

3) Run 600 miles: Strangely enough, I think this is doable, particularly because of my training schedule for the half marathon. We'll see.

4) Read 10 books (for fun): I really haven't read as much as I'd like in the last year. I just recently purchased an iPad mini, so this will hopefully be a little easier for me to do. With school, I kept the number of books fairly low (in the past I've done 25-50).

5) Pad my savings account: Right now, it consists of a whopping $200. And that's only because I started putting some away in November. I've been navigating my Virtual Wallet from PNC to help with this endeavor. However, some changes (like how much I spend on gas) will help with this.

6) Eat out less: Could help with putting more in my savings account. I bought a slow cooker (yes, I spent money to save money, what a novel concept) and hope to make more with that. I spend way too much money eating out and the calories are ridiculous. Even eating out one less time a week will help. I'm still in the process of trying to figure out exactly how much I've spent the last few months eating out. This is SO HARD for me though, being single and hating to cook.

7) 200 liquid calories per day, maximum: Ooof, this one is going to be tough. I love my Dew. But this allows me to have one per day, if I choose.

8) Payoff one credit card and significantly reduce another: I'm actually paying off two here this coming week, but this is in addition to that, since I've already had this plan in place for a few weeks. So, this is in addition to what I'm already planning on doing (and yes, I have a plan in place to get this done).

9) Get to 15 credit hours in my MPA program: I'm pretty sure this is doable. After this upcoming semester, I'll be at 9 credit hours. I may even exceed this. We'll see how the summer and fall go. My program requires 36 credit hours and then 3 credit hours for a project paper, for 39 total credit hours.

10) Clean and organize my apartment to be presentable: Don't come in here. Seriously. I really don't need someone to call Hoarders, since I'm already in the process of throwing tons of crap out. But in the meantime, it will look like a disaster zone as I go through everything and chuck it.

Some weeks will be better than others. I'm really going to try to be ok if I go out to eat more often one week, don't put away as much one pay period, miss a workout, etc. We're all human. And sometimes, a cupcake just calls and you have to blow your calories for the day. Some of these have a specific goal and some are long term changes where this is the first step.

Here's to 2013!!!

Pet people are weird, but it's who we are

I was going to write a post tonight about my New Year's Resolutions for 2013, but something has been stuck in my head all day and honestly, I need to get this out of my system.

Those of you who know me know that I have this amazing 8 year old pup named Dakota (a mutt, actually).

Being single and having lived alone for awhile, Dakota is like my kid. She is who I come home to and who I take care of. In return, she loves me unconditionally (probably just a little bit more when I have food) and keeps me warm in the winter. She has all those quirks that only her person would love (don't touch her feet!).

It makes me incredibly angry when others belittle how pet owners feel about their pets. Especially when we unexpectedly have to deal with the possibility of losing a member of the family. I know when the time comes, no matter how old she may be, I will be a wreck when Dakota leaves this life.

I guess only pet people might understand this. But our pets are a huge part of our family. Especially when they are all we have at times. They are living, breathing, have medical needs and psychological needs. They are an extension of us, just like our human family (and sometimes, even more so). 

I will never feel bad about how I treat my dog. She's listened to me complain, cry, laugh. She's dealt with me sleeping in, even when she's ready to get up. She's handled hours on end when I've been gone and she still loves me. I make sure she has food, water, treats, a warm place to sleep and lots of love. She has plenty of bones to chew and Greenies to look forward to. 

I don't know that I ever understood how much a part of my life she would be when I adopted her from the pound, but it's been worth every cent I've spent on her over the years. She is my family. 

Airing of the grievances!

Two blog posts in one day? I had forgotten earlier when I posted that today was Festivus (oops) and that I should probably do a post. Then I saw a couple of others air their grievances, and after my trip to Target earlier, I felt I should. While it won't be super entertaining, they're definitely some things that have been on my mind.

1) People that can't park: There's a couple of drivers in my building that can't seem to park their SUV/sedan/whatever they drive in between the lines. I constantly come home to having to park even further away because someone can't park. Or the walkway to the door is blocked because someone thought they should park over it. I also dealt with it at Target today, but not in the normal way (someone parking on the line). When I parked, there was a spot open next to mine. I drive a Saturn Aura, so it's a sedan. When I came back to my car after being in the store for about 30 minutes, I found another Saturn Aura in the spot next to me - parked across two spots, diagonally. WHAT?! Are you kidding me? Who does that?

2) That person who likes to hear themselves talk: I REALLY experienced this in class this past semester. While there were a few people that would tend to talk a lot, there were one or two students that just talked without having anything productive to add to the conversation (or kept talking once they stopped saying anything productive). I've also been in a number of meetings where this has occurred and of course, the result is the meeting goes too long, to the annoyance to everyone.

3) Dust and dog hair (and my hair too): Holy cow, how much of this have I had to clean around my apartment? Between me and my dog, I'm surprised either of us have any hair left, considering how much we both shed! And the amount of dust that accumulates is pretty crazy.

4) Incompetence: 'Nuff said.

I know there are more, but these are at the forefront of my mind. What are your grievances?

Starting all over...again.

2012 has been a year of starting over for me. Right now, before the end of the year, I find myself having to start over again.

I did my last training run on December 10. It was to run for 15 minutes. I did awesome on the treadmill and posted my fastest time ever.

Tuesday the 11th, I ended up having to skip my run and decided to do it on Wednesday. Except that when I woke up on Wednesday, I could barely walk because my back hurt so bad.

I've had this type of pain before and figured it would go away in a day or so and things would resume as normal. But, not so fast...

I could still barely walk on Thursday. Friday brought a bit less pain but still having trouble walking. I brought my heating pad to work on Thursday, and worked from home on Friday after a meeting so I could ice and heat my back when I wanted (the freezer at work doesn't work right, so keeping an ice pack there has proved problematic). I spent most of the weekend on the couch or at home, either icing/heating/stretching/moving around.

Sunday I woke up feeling much better. Monday was a bit worse, and Tuesday was a bit better. I didn't run at all until Tuesday, when I thought I could try a little bit. Having not run in a week, I had no idea what I was in for. I got on the treadmill and last 5 minutes.

Ugh. Are you serious? 5 minutes? I was actually doing 7 minute intervals before the pain and posting decent times (well, decent for me, still slow for lots of others).

Wednesday took me to the injury clinic at Playmakers, and the diagnosis is problems with my piriformis. Apparently, this muscle that's under the glutes is tight and causing pain across my back. I need to try to loosen it up, and that's not particularly easy.

So, I started over yesterday. I went on my first run yesterday. And man, was that rough. My lungs are protesting and I'm carrying around extra weight that packed on during the holidays (with no exercise to neutralize it). My back still has a small amount of pain, but I'm sure that'll go away once I can loosen up my piriformis.

During my run today (which is off schedule, but I want to try to get back up to where I was), I had a couple moments where I thought I was ridiculous for thinking I can run a half marathon when I can barely run 2 miles.

But, here I go again, starting my training over again this week before the new year.

Numbers, balance and all that jazz

I spent the weekend mostly around the house and resting because my back started hurting on Wednesday to the point of hardly being able to walk at times. I baked some cupcakes and cookies, cleaned some around the apartment, bought a foam roller (which has totally helped), read and spent time in bed/on the couch with an ice pack and heating pad.

But it got me thinking about how I've spent my time lately. And today, when I realized I've put over 26,000 miles on my car this year, it got me thinking how lazy I've been lately. And you know what? I'm ok with that. I can't maintain this incredible laziness, however it's been the culmination of multiple years of running around and being at everyone else's beck and call.

Here's why I'm ok with being as lazy as I've been (more sleep, less scheduled appointments): I know that come January 2, I'm back to work, school and half marathon training. I'm taking two classes next semester (only took one this past semester) and I know that's going to take a lot of my free time. So, for the time being, I'm happy lounging around reading for pleasure and cleaning my apartment (again, I swear I've thrown stuff out...).

But I've also been weighed down by some numbers I've seen, which is why I need to find a balance.

0 - the number of yoga classes I've been to in the last two weeks

5 - how many minutes I managed to squeak out on the treadmill tonight (man, that was depressing)

7 - the number of days it's been since I've run

150 - the number of pounds I'm trying to stay under through the holidays

Unknown - the number of cookies I've eaten in the last few weeks

I know that I need to start putting together a plan for after the holidays. And I need to get back into my training plan (and I felt like I was doing so well too!). I hope that my back will stop hurting completely soon (almost there) and I can get things moving again.

Eating My Feelings or Cupcakes are a Sometimes Food

I guess I should thank my friend Lauren for the phrase "eating my feelings". I had heard it before, but she reminded me of it recently, and I've used it quite a bit since then.

I made it my goal to "maintain" through the holidays. I don't think it's going so well.

I write this blog is because I'm struggling.

I'm struggling with my brain telling me "one cupcake will be ok". Or "go ahead and have another cookie". One turns into two...and before I know it, I've eaten 3 cookies.

I'm struggling with going out to lunch when normally, I could bring in a frozen meal, except that the freezer at work isn't really working.

I'm struggling with not being able to train this week because my back has decided to be in pain. So, no running since Monday.

I'm struggling with my feelings in general this holiday season. And this week has been one that has just been frustrating and has left me disappointed in a number of things.

All of these things lead to one thing - relying on food to feel better for a short time. OR - eating my feelings.

I end up getting into the situation I was in tonight - so exhausted and burned out that I didn't want to get out of my chair, let alone cook anything. So, I got out of my chair and went to Burger King. Crappy food and a second Whopper for 55 cents. Not so good for maintaining.

I can only hope that this struggle doesn't last much longer. I hope to use this weekend to recharge and nurse my back. I hope that next week is better. I hope that I can get things back in order again soon.

The Dark Side

This week has been a huge mental struggle for me. Despite a high point or two, they just haven't helped with my overall mentality. It's got me thinking.

At a meeting I went to tonight, they were talking about the goal of the organization being to help give young girls the tools make healthy decision and to avoid things like substance abuse, eating disorders and depression, among other things.

For me, I've gone through a personal struggle, dealing with bouts of depression for a number of years. In my upbringing, mental illness was something to be ashamed of and avoid talking about. It didn't exist.

But when I was at this meeting, I kept thinking "I never want any young girl to go through the struggles I've dealt with". Things that happened years ago still haunt me some days. The patterns I learned when I was younger are still with me today. It's a constant struggle to break the cycle I continue to go through.

Girls today deal with so many different things than what I dealt with growing up. I can't even imagine being a teenager nowadays. I don't think I could handle it.

Even though there has been progress, we still see a stigma regarding mental illness. No one lives a perfect life, regardless of the face they put on for the rest of the world to see. On a regular basis, I think about how I don't ever want other women to hate their body the way I do, constantly question themselves or not be able to pull themselves out of bed some days.

As we've started the holiday season, my struggle has become tougher. It'll require me to work extra hard mentally to overcome the urge to just go to sleep. I have to push myself to make sure I follow my running schedule (oops on tonight...my dog missed me). But I also have to know when to push myself and when to breathe and just relax. And I haven't quite found that balance yet.

Some days are better than others. Sometimes the weirdest little thing will cause me to be sad. Sometimes I won't even care. But at the end of the day, I put one foot in front of the other and keep trying to move forward.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself

"Don't be so hard on yourself." - Saying

I saw this magnet today when I was at the Hallmark store picking up a birthday card today. It's interesting timing, considering what I was thinking last night.

I found myself, yet again, saying sorry for saying how I felt at the time. This isn't a new thing for me - I do it quite frequently. As of late, I've been pretty hard on myself for feeling the way I do about what I consider to be a big change in my life.

I find myself always pointing out that I'm a slow runner (and it was reinforced yesterday when a 5K walker totally beat me). I find myself focusing on the flabby portion around my waist instead of the part of me I like. I find it hard to have a lazy day because I feel guilty that I'm not doing something productive. I find myself ALWAYS doubting my writing ability (blogs, papers, assignments).

All of this despite what others tell me.

We are harder on ourselves than others are on us. It just seems to be how things are. But we need to shift the focus of the things we're hard on ourselves about and make it about improving ourselves as people.

It's not going to happen overnight, but I'm going to work on not being so hard on myself.

Alone or with the masses?

I posted a question on Facebook last night - do you prefer to run by yourself or with a group?

I started wondering after my group run on Saturday how other people liked to run. I ran my 3 miles with my team coach on Saturday because I was the only runner that showed up that morning. I definitely run much slower than he does!

Personally, I like to run alone, because I'm completely embarrassed about my speed and hate to hold others back. I still feel like everyone is much faster than me. And that makes it hard to decide to join a new group of people I don't really know to run with them.

So, running with someone is always a bit unsettling to me. I feel like I can't ever keep up with the person I'm running with, and I hate feeling guilty for it.

I'm sure I'll get over it at some point and get used to talking while I run. And maybe at some point soon I'll run a mile without a walk break...

Discouragement and Gratitude

This was a week of extreme ups and downs. I had some personal defeats, some personal victories and a feeling of "why the heck did I even think I could do that?"

I was extremely discouraged when I was exhausted on Tuesday and couldn't seem that I could wake up at all. I guess abs class, yoga and stayed up until almost 3am will do that to you.

I had a great moment giving my presentation in my last class on Tuesday and getting a satisfying response from the professor and students. Oh, and all the possible points for the presentation too!

I dived when I was told it wasn't personal, except to me, it was. 
(See below: You've Got Mail. 
Joe Fox: It wasn't... personal. 
Kathleen Kelly: What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn't personal to you. But it was personal to me. It's *personal* to a lot of people. And what's so wrong with being personal, anyway? 
Joe Fox: Uh, nothing. 
Kathleen Kelly: Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.)

I had a great moment when I got my term paper back and received 100% on it. Wow, I really can do this school thing. I'm even a bit excited for next semester.

Good: I ran 4 miles on Wednesday. Not so good: I biffed it into the grass, wore bad pants that I had to keep hiking up and my phone died just after 4 so I didn't keep going (and by the way, my phone is turning out to be a piece of crap and the battery is doing weird stuff).

There's something to be said about having to walk away from something that you love when it's not exactly a choice you made. It feels like life shattered and you have to pick up the pieces and figure out what to do with them. Sometimes the answer is clear, and sometimes it's not because your heart just breaks because of the feeling of rejection.

Admittedly, I've been struggling with what's next. I've figured out some things to do, but they aren't necessarily reconciled with what I'm leaving behind...yet.

And despite that feeling today, I still feel gratitude. I went into Kroger for an errand to pick up one item, and was able to buy food to donate to SIREN in Eaton County. I was able to sponsor a new member for the Lansing Jaycees. I was able to purchase items to help 2 kids have some basic necessities. I was able to run almost 3 miles. I was able to see many of my friends today.

It's not an easy road, and there's no quick fix. I don't know quite where I'm going at this point, and I have to remind myself that's ok, even when it feels unsettling. The pain isn't going to go away quickly, but there are things that can help when I remember to think about them. Sometimes, you can feel discouraged and feeling a lot of gratitude at the same time, which seems odd.

But, it's ok and you keep putting one foot in front of the other in order to move on.