"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need..."

This has been a crappy week, period. I don't necessarily think that I can pinpoint why, except there were a lot of things that just didn't go how I would have liked. It's really strange how that happens.

Don't get me wrong. There have been a few good things that came out of this week - some good friends, my dog being here, and some cookies. But, for the most part, I've just been moping around and kind of a basketcase. It's been making it difficult for me to focus on anything for a long period of time, or even start, for that matter - whether it's reading my book, catching up on magazines, watching a movie, scrapbooking, jewelry making.

Plus, it's always hard to go back to work after being off for a week or so. It's hard to transition back into being productive, and I haven't done a very good job of that.

I've noticed in the last few months, that I am definitely not as ordered and organized as I used to be. In a way, I think that's a good thing, because I used to be really uptight. On the other hand, I feel like I've lost control of my life. It's hard to describe, but I feel like I used to have a better handle on things when I was making lists, had everything in order, etc. Now I just feel like my whole life is a mess - just check out my desk at work, or my apartment. That's not to say I've ever been the tidiest person ever - there's always been a method to my madness. However, I feel like I have lots more stuff lying around than I used to.

For those of you who know me now, and are thinking that I'm still uptight, take things too seriously or personally, or too organized, well, a few years back, I was a lot worse than I am now. I still do worry about a lot of things, have my own issues with myself, but it used to be much worse. I'm a lot more laid back now, but in a way, it's leaving me feeling really unorganized and not in control.

And, while I am reflecting, I've been thinking a lot lately about my personal issues. I've ALWAYS had issues with myself - I've either been a little chunky (middle school), been picked on about my last name (elementary school), been picked on for being smart (um, all through school), glasses (middle and high school), and had some guys in my life that have really made me think that I wasn't worth much. It's only recently that I'm realizing that a lot of those things have shaped who I am now. For the most part, I'm ok with being me. Though, sometimes there are things that I just wish I didn't feel compelled to do (such as trying to get attention, berate myself, etc.) You know how they say that you need to say 7 nice things to someone to cancel out 1 bad thing? I feel like I'm still trying to make up for all the bad things that I've heard said to me. Those seem to be the things that have stuck with me.

For example, two things I can think of - one is from high school, the other from college. The high school story is quite long, so I won't share it here, but the one from college that sticks with me is this one guy that I dated for awhile. I met him through a friend one night, and we dated for a few months. I can't even really remember how long it was at this point, but the one thing I remember for sure is the time he told me there was one thing he would change about me. My teeth. They weren't straight enough for him. Now, I know they're not completely straight, but I had never really thought about that before. But, since then, there are sometimes when I just look in the mirror and think about how I have crooked teeth. I think many of the incidents like this one are a big part of the reason that I have a hard time believing in myself, even though it's not anything that has happened recently. I wish I could forget them, but somehow, they've just seared into my mind.

So, I know I can be difficult, not sure of myself, self-deprecating, demanding, and a whole host of other things, but there are some reasons behind all that. Maybe not good reasons, but they are reasons.

Well, that turned into more rambling that I had originally intended on, but I certainly felt the need to vent a bit.

"I never thought it was such a bad little tree..."

"I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed." - Charlie Brown



I'm fairly certain that Chuck got it right here. I really know of no other way to describe it than the above quote.

I've actually been quite uncharacteristic this week - I've baked cookies two nights in a row this week, and brought them into work. It's not like I was going to sit down and eat them all! I just felt compelled to bake, so that's what I did. I've had several people tell me I'm nesting. Sigh.

I'm not sure if it's just a combination of things right now, but I've had some trouble concentrating at work lately. My mind wanders elsewhere, and I just can't focus. In this respect, I just haven't done a whole lot. I know this - but it turned up in what I assume was supposed to be a joke toward the end of my day today. A co-worker of mine mused "Sometimes I wonder if you do any work." Ouch. I know that person probably meant it in a joking fashion, but man that statement ended up stinging. Even though I know I haven't been motivated at work, it still hurts when someone else comments on it. So, if anyone has some ideas for how to get me motivated at work again, please let me know.

It's just me and Dakota this week. I have grand plans to rearrange my apartment this weekend, throw out all the garbage, and do some reading. We'll see how productive I actually am.

A Happy Thanksgiving to all...

This won't be the most eloquent post, but I'm taking a few minutes out of my lazy time today to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. Most of the day, I've taken time to reflect on the people in my life, and I am so grateful for them. I have many new friends who I am still getting to know and are becoming a big part of my life. There are also my old friends who have been around for the long haul that I won't forget. And, there are many great people that I wish I talked with more, but just don't. I'm thinking of all of you today.

"What kind of stupid question is that, Todd?"

So, another football Saturday in Ann Arbor has come and gone. Today was the big game - UM vs. OSU. I honestly wasn't expecting a whole lot, but the loss still stings. It would help if our offense showed up, but no such luck there. Today's MVP is Zolton Mesko. Not too promising when the punter is the best player on the field.

Now, for something that I've had a grievance about for quite awhile, but haven't ever put down. When going to a football game, there are certain things fans should and shouldn't wear. The following list is a compilation of things that I have seen today or at other games.

1) SHOULD: The colors of the team you are there to cheer for. For some reason, this just seems logical to me.

2) SHOULD NOT: All white. Especially when it's raining all day.

3) SHOULD NOT: Fur coats. Again, wouldn't the rain ruin it?

4) SHOULD: Lots of clothes when it's cold. Yeah, that's for the two guys in front of us without shirts on at the beginning of the game, who went and bought sweatshirts partway through the game.

5) SHOULD NOT: Team shirts that are baby blue or light pink. I don't care if you are a girl or not, wear your team colors (see #1).

6) SHOULD NOT: Team apparel from schools that aren't even playing. For example, wearing a Kansas sweatshirt at the Michigan/OSU game. Or, a Cinncinati jacket at the Michigan/OSU game. If you're going to do that, then give your ticket to someone that cares.


There is a 10am press conference scheduled for Monday morning. I expect that Lloyd Carr will be announcing his retirement, but that remains to be seen. I, for one, will be sad to see him go, but am happy that he will be allowed to leave under his accord.

"Let's never come here again because it will never be as much fun."

I think it finally hit me - I basically just fell off the face of the planet the last couple of months. When I look back, I really haven't done much! Well, ok, I have, but there are some things I have just neglected. I'm sure that happens for everyone at some point or another.

I'm finally starting to get back into the swing of things. Reading a new book, hanging out with people, watching movies. Now I have to start scrapbooking and making some jewelry again. I have all next week off, and I'm super excited about it!

This week, we're going to the UM/OSU game. ESPN Gameday will be there, and that means we'll be getting up extra early to go. I want to make a sign - does anyone have any ideas?

I got my haircut this past weekend. I don't have a good picture of it yet, but when I do, I'll post it. I really like how it turned out. It was a total of 6 inches that got snipped off! I felt weird the next day, using too much shampoo. Haha.

Off to go do some reading...

"I've just recently decided that the things we know aren't black and white."

The title of this blog is from the movie "Elizabethtown". Remembering it makes me want to watch the movie again, so maybe I'll do that this weekend.

Days like today make me feel like a total failure. I woke up late, have had a headache most of the day, and just downright didn't feel very well. I stuck it out at work for the rest of the day, but didn't feel productive at all. Then, of course, my night isn't very exciting. Me, food, TV, and my book. Woo hoo.

Lately, I've been starting to feel run down and unfocused. I can't quite figure out how to get myself to start doing anything again other than sleep. I want to scrapbook, make jewelry, read, but I just don't when I get home. I have been watching some movies, so I suppose that's a start. For awhile there, I was just hanging out and listening to my iPod.

I will also finally be getting my hair cut this weekend. It's been awhile, mostly because I'm lazy and couldn't afford to go. Haha. I'm really excited, because I think it will help.

Anyway, I'm sorry to anyone that I've come across and just been about as fun as a wet rag. I'm trying to snap out of my funk, but I probably haven't been all that fun to be around! Sigh.

It's great to be a Michigan Wolverine!!!

Ah, yes, I can go to work on Monday. My team came through in a great effort yesterday to come from behind and beat MSU. GO BLUE!

I can't believe how much I've slept this weekend. I've gone to bed at 9:30 on both Friday and Saturday nights. However, Saturday morning, I got up at 8am, but this morning, I didn't roll out of bed until close to 11am (which before the time change would have been noon!) I guess this week took more out of me than I had thought. I slept pretty hard too - didn't wake up much, which was good.

I've got a lot of things I need to do this week, but I'm not sure that I will be able to get them all done. I'm hoping to write everything down today at some point, but with trying to get my laundry done before I go back to Lansing, I really don't feel like doing much else! I have to start getting motivated again...